


Josh's Problem

by Maisie_top_trash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Medications, Mental Illness, OCD, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Post Breakdown, Psychosis, Recovery, Rehabilitation, Self Harm, Therapeutic Community, breakdown - Freeform, mental health, psychiatric hospital, suicidal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-09 06:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10406103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: They called it a therapeutic community, said it was the last stop on the journey from breakdown to recovery. He'd heard that a lot, often been told that he was so close to being better, and yet Josh felt less like himself than ever before.[currently paused]





	1. Diet Sprite

"Are you finished with that?" Tyler asked, gesturing towards the empty diet sprite bottle he clutched in his pale hand as they walked down the street, and Josh nodded. "Want me to throw it away for you?"  
"Yes please," Josh replied quietly, then passed it across to his best friend.  
"Stay with Jenna a sec," he instructed before quickly jogging over to a trash can on the opposite side of the street for him. Josh did as he was told, stayed by his wife's side, continued to slowly shuffle forwards towards his much needed bed.

"Did you have a nice evening J?" Jenna asked with a smile.  
"Yes thank you Jenna." He replied politely and correctly, how he knew he was supposed to.   
"Did you really?" She laughed.  
"Honestly, I did. And I know it was supposed to be date night so I'm sorry for ruining your evening with Tyler,"  
"J you didn't ruin anything, it's so nice to see you out and about."

"Fear not, everybody's favourite is back," Tyler grinned as he jogged to be by Josh's side once more as they turned the corner.  
"Ty tell Josh that he's got no reason to feel bad about tonight usually being date night."   
"Oh course not man, from now on Mondays are Josh days."  
"Every Monday?" He echoed a little taken aback.  
"Only if you feel up to it," Tyler reassured him with a sympathetic smile. "Whenever suits you, we'll be there. Other things we can rearrange, they don't matter, spending time with you at long last, that matters."  
"Thank you," Josh said to his feet, trusting they would lead the way and he wouldn't have to look up.

"You gonna text me or call me when you next want to go out with us?"  
"Okay,"  
"And you gonna text me or call me if you need to talk? Night or day."  
"Okay." Josh nodded again, deciding that now wasn't an appropriate time to tell Tyler that his phone was still in its box, too dirty, too dangerous, to be handled. That was Josh's problem, not Tyler's.

"You did really well tonight Josh, I know it can't be easy, finally being out here again." Jenna praised him but it fell on deaf ears.  
"And it's gonna get easier J, first time's always the hardest with everything, soon this is gonna feel like normal." Tyler added and Josh heard that word, normal, everything he wasn't. He hated that word, but that was Josh's problem, not Tyler's.

"Do you need me to come in with you or do we say goodbye here?" Tyler asked once they finally arrived at the bottom of the steps to Josh's home.  
"You need to sign me in."  
"Okay, well I'll say bye now and Ty can take you in," Jenna said, then extended her arms out to give him a hug. Josh froze, literally froze on the spot unable to move, until she lowered them again and sighed with that sympathetic smile that Josh hated. But that was Josh's problem, not Jenna's. "Sorry darling, too soon, but it was lovely to see you again. I had a nice evening and I hope you did too, sleep well,"  
"Thank you, and uh, and you too,"   
"Come on then, let's get you all signed in," Tyler encouraged him, leading the way up the stairs and into the building. Thankfully he held the door open for Josh and he had to resist a sigh of relief as they entered the lobby.

"The sheet's, uh, it's just there." Josh pointed to the clipboard attached to the wall. Tyler took the pen dangling on a string and began reading the grid to understand what he was signing.  
"J I don't have to sign this, you can do it yourself. All you need to do is tick that you're here and initial the time."   
"Please can you just do it for me,"  
"Oh, right, sorry, is this one of your things?" Tyler realised, filling in Josh's row, but he didn't reply, it was his problem, not Tyler's.

"You know what man, you don't have to explain yourself to me. Do you want me to walk you to your place or find a member of staff to take you up or should I just go?"  
"Oh Josh! Hey darling, didn't realise you'd be back so soon. And you must be Tyler, nice to finally meet you." Hannah, Josh's keyworker, smiled as she coincidentally came out of the communal dining room and into the lobby. She shook Tyler's hand whilst Josh played with his nail.  
"Hannah right?"  
"Yeah, sorry totally forgot to introduce myself! What am I like! Haha, sorry, did you have a successful trip though?"   
"I think so yeah," Tyler answered on Josh's behalf.

"Did you manage to eat anything sweetie?"  
"He had a tiny bit,"  
"Okay well a couple of the guys are still eating dinner next door, Jana made us all pasta bake if you want some?"  
"I'm full."   
"Just wanna head to bed?" Hannah guessed accurately, knowing him well. "Come on sleepyhead, you lead the way."  
"Night Josh," Tyler waved.  
"Night," Josh called back but didn't look back and instead concentrated on navigating the safe floor tiles, not wanting to step on any that would kill his sister. As they got closer to the staircase he had to make a leap to protect them.

"Josh, they're all safe, Ashley's fine." Hannah told him, knowing exactly what he was doing.   
"I made them safe,"  
"Darling remember what we said, your actions don't influence their wellbeing,"  
"But I made them safe," Josh told her, pulling at his sleeves anxiously as they made their way up the stairs.

"Do you have your key with you?"  
"Yes, but um, b-but, but can you please do it?"  
"I will today because you've been really brave already, but you need to start trying yourself Josh." The nurse sighed, unlocking the door to his apartment with her master key. Josh heard what she has said, he heard but he didn't accept because there was no way in Hell he was ever going to touch that disgusting piece of metal.

"Do you wanna get in your PJs?"  
"N-not yet, it's uh, it's not the right time yet."   
"Okay darling, well if you're gonna turn in for the night then I'll go and grab your medications, you settle down." Hannah smiled and he nodded silently, watching as she left him alone in his apartment.

He liked his apartment, he did, simply because it wasn't hospital. He'd spent the last 2 years in hospitals, 7 months on an intensive care unit, 3 months on an acute inpatient ward, 10 months on a complex care ward, 4 months on a low security ward, and now finally he was discharged.

The apartment complex wasn't exactly free of mental health support, it was a therapeutic community, essentially assisted living. Therapists and nurses lived in some of the apartments whilst people with chronic mental health issues lived in others. They each had their own space with a bedroom or two, a bathroom, a living area and a small kitchenette, and it was more independence than he'd had since his breakdown.

Meals were eaten together downstairs in the communal dining room and were cooked by the residents on rota, and there were optional therapy sessions and activities available daily. If Josh didn't want to go, he didn't have to, if he wanted to leave then he could, and he finally had a voice and a say in his treatment.

"There you go Josh," Hannah, his assigned keyworker, said as she extended a paper cup of 13 pills towards him. He took it with a shaking hand and began dry swallowing them, one by one. It was a ritual that had taken months to get rid of but still crept back into his life when he was too drained to fight.

"Josh. Water." She said firmly, giving him a glass that he hadn't noticed her filling.   
"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."  
"Do you want me to get the liquid versions and inject them instead?"  
"No." Josh insisted, resisting his body's urge to gag on the 7th dry pill that scratched its way down his throat.

"Was it hard, J, going out with Tyler and Jenna?" She asked gently, not pushing him too far and instead sitting on his couch and letting him finish taking his meds his way.  
"Yeh,"  
"Yeh? What did you get up to?"  
"Um, they uh, they took me to uh, we went to the bowling alley?"  
"Oh yeah, and how was that?"  
"I didn't like it." Josh shook his head, sitting on the other couch and pulling a hangnail till it bled. "The noise, a-and the people, I didn't like it."  
"Mmm," Hannah encouraged him to keep going.  
  
"They took me away from there, to, to the park to calm down."  
"And did that help you to calm down Josh?"  
"Uh huh," he nodded shakily. "But, but I put my hand in the fountain and they, they looked at me in a way I didn't like, I didn't like that bit."  
"If you could use a word to describe the way they looked at you, what would it be?" She asked.  
"Um, uh, uh, embarrassed,"  
"They were embarrassed by you?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Were you embarrassed Josh? That you put your hand in the fountain?"  
"No, no I liked it, the water was cold and nice." Josh sniffed, still not holding eye contact.

"Josh, if you weren't embarrassed, does it matter that they might have been? Does it matter what other people think?"  
"N-not, not other people, just, um, but, just Tyler. It matters what he thinks,"  
"Why?"  
"Because I love him,"  
"Are you in love with him Josh?"  
"No! No I I I, I'm, I'm better! I'm better now!" He suddenly retorted defensively.

"I think that's right J, I think you're much better now and you're making progress, but it's my job to check up on you okay? I've got to look out for things, for signs, and I know that one of your warning signs is boundary issues with Tyler."  
"I, I, we only went out for a little bit a-and his wife was there, i-it, it was fun, it wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't sick, I'm better now,"  
"Alright Josh, I'm sorry if it feels like I'm doubting you. But if you do feel anything towards Tyler-"  
"Then I'll tell you," Josh answered like he had been taught to.

"What happened after the fountain?" Hannah thankfully moved on.  
"I, I, I, Jenna bought me a hot dog from the stand,"  
"And how was that? Tyler said you managed to eat a little bit?"  
"It was, um, I, I didn't like it, it was uncomfortable because I was having intrusive thoughts but, uh, but they didn't get anything so it was just me eating alone and they were staring a-and I didn't feel nice."  
"Right,"  
"I managed, um, maybe 4 mouthfuls because I tried to remember what Dr Jarvis said about the, about the germs, but it was too much,"  
"So what did you do?"  
"Tyler saw me crying and he took it away,"  
"Yeah,"

"He, he, he bought me a sprite though, a diet one, and that helped."  
"It did? Oh I'm pleased darling." She smiled honestly.  
"I drank it all, I liked it."   
"That's good, maybe when you go shopping tomorrow you can pick up a few bottles and you can keep them here in your apartment if you'd like."  
"Can I?" He asked hopefully.  
"Of course."

"Hannah,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Tonight can you please not do my checks? I promise I'll stay safe." Josh asked, not wanting the nurse to interrupt his evening every hour to check that he wasn't upset or harming.  
"I'm sure you will but it's better that I make sure. And anyway, Mom said it's one of the conditions of your discharge so I'm afraid I've got to Josh."  
"Why, why does it matter what my mom says? I thought I was in charge?"   
"Well you are on some levels Josh but your mom still gets an overruling say because she pays your rent."  
"So, so if I pay my rent th-then I can choose not to have checks?"   
"If you're paying your rent then that means you'll need a job, and if you're well enough to go back to work and to earn an income then I think that you're probably well enough not to need them anymore darling. But for now I think it's best that we stick to what Mom asked for, don't you?"  
"Yeah," he sighed defeated.

"Aw I'm not that bad am I?" She laughed.  
"No no," Josh forced himself to smile. "I just, I, I don't like checks, it reminds me of hospital, of, of, of how I was when I was in hospital."  
"I think that's understandable, but you're doing so well J. You're out of hospital and you're making progress everyday. Think about this evening, was going out with the Josephs easy for you? No. But could you have managed it last month? No I don't think you could have done darling. You're improving everyday, and it won't be long until you don't need checks anymore."

"Hannah do you think I'll ever go home?" Josh asked a minute later.   
"I think that ever is a very long time, and yes, I think that one day you will be well enough to go home, but only if you want to. Do you want to go home?"  
"I, I, I don't know."  
"Well you don't need to make a decision now darling. You'll always have a place here at Avalon House, and we're not ever going to encourage you to move on or put you on a home transitioning plan or anything like that. This can be your home if that's what you want. People, some people decide that this is where they need and want to be and so they stay here. Some people decide to move on as soon as they feel fit enough. And some people just don't know Josh, but that's okay. You can stay, you can go, you can go and come back again, it's up to you."  
"Yeah," Josh hummed, deep in thought.

"However just because we're not trying to push you out the door, doesn't mean we won't help you if you do want to head home. You can talk to Dr Jarvis or Louise or me if you want some help coming up with a way to go home, things like afternoons there and overnight stays and family days. Whatever you need help with, we're here for."  
"Thank you,"  
"But you've only been here a month, no rush."  
"No rush." Josh repeated to himself before yawning.

"Tired mister?"  
"Uh huh," he nodded.  
"Do you need any help getting ready for bed? Do you want supervising again whilst you're brushing your teeth?"  
"Um, no thank you, I can do it thank you, I'll be okay thank you."   
"Alright darling, well I'll be right across the hall if you need me. And I'll see you in an hour for your first check." Hannah smiled as she stood up from the couch.  
"Thanks, goodnight,"   
"Night, sleep well,"


	2. PJ Party

Pretty much everyone at Avalon House ate breakfast in their pyjamas. Jason, the guy three doors down from Josh and a resident for 4 years, had a job at Target so he along with all the nurses was dressed in uniform, but everyone else wore their nightwear.

When Josh had first moved in a month ago it was quite a sight to see 15 people of all genders ages races and backgrounds sitting at the different tables dressed in onesies and dressing gowns, but it had soon become a part of his daily routine. Today's outfit was a pair of red and black plaid pants his mother had bought him paired with his old high school baseball shirt and a black fluffy dressing gown that matched his slippers.

Jordan was already sat at their usual table, talking to Emma another resident. The younger brother smiled and waved as Josh entered, and Josh did the same back before walking over to the food table. Jordan had been joining Josh for breakfast everyday that he didn't have early lectures at college, and Tuesdays were the first of two days a week they spent the entirety of together. They were Josh's favourite days.

He grabbed an empty bowl and a metal spoon from the end of the table then walked straight past all the hot food and down to the cereals. It had been Maria and Kieran's turn to set up breakfast and for a brief moment he thought they had forgotten to get out his Reese's Puffs but breathed a sigh of relief when he spotted them at the back. He poured 54 pieces into the bowl, careful not to go over, then placed the box back. Milk was the tricky bit. Despite his requests, they never put out a measuring jug so that meant Josh had to do it by eye which left room for danger. Thankfully he was getting better at knowing when to stop, and managed to halt the flow of liquid just in time to protect his family.

Josh picked up the bowl and, carefully as to not spill its contents, moved along a bit and picked up an apple that slipped straight into his fluffy pocket. A tall empty glass followed suit except found its home in his other pocket and left Josh with one hand free to pick up his labelled paper cup of medication. Once he was sure he'd got everything, Josh made his way over to the table where his brother was devouring a plate of cooked food.

"Morning,"  
"Hey," Jordan smiled at him as he settled down opposite.  
"Hiya," Emma grinned, one of Josh's closer friends. One of Josh's only friends. "Want the water jug?"  
"Please." He nodded as he placed the apple and the glass on the table equidistant from the side of his bowl. She slid the jug down to him and he filled his glass to the right amount then proceeded to drain it as he swallowed down all 8 of his pills. Once the paper cup's use expired he threw it into the trash on the other side of the room and blushed when someone cheered.

"Damn," Jordan smirked, biting into his toast.  
"Cool kid," Emma laughed. "Right I've gotta head off, going home to see the fam for a bit, see you later haters,"  
"Bye,"  
"See ya,"

"Sorry I was late," Josh began after she left.  
"Nah that's alright, I was early. How are you?"  
"I'm okay,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah. You?"  
"I'm alright, bit hungover but hey ho, life goes on,"  
"Hungover? You went out on a Monday night?" Josh laughed doubtfully as he took his first mouthful of cereal.  
"Hey don't judge me man, Monday nights are lit."  
"I wouldn't know to be fair."  
"Well you go to a PJ party everyday," Jordan smiled, looking round the room. "Feel like I should start bringing my dressing gown too."  
"You should, finally become one of us."  
"Starting to sound a bit culty there J," he laughed and Josh did too.

"So how was going out with Ty and Jen then?"  
"Harder than I thought,"  
"Yeh," Jordan listened, finishing his toast and dropping the crust down onto his plate.  
"But I managed to stay safe."  
"Oh well done Josh, that's big." He smiled honestly and Josh blushed again, taking another mouthful of 3 milky puffs.

"I had a few panicked moments when we were together and once I got back to the house I was quite worked up, shaky and stuttery and a bit compulsive but I'm calmer now."  
"That's awesome J, you should be proud of yourself."  
"Thanks,"  
"Does that mean bowling is another activity we can add to the safe list?" Jordan asked him.  
"Nah, it uh, it was too much, overstimulating."  
"Yeh,"  
"Sorry,"  
"No no, no need to apologise Josh, rather you told me now than if we went and you got sick. We'll find more things to add over time."  
"Hopefully," he sighed.  
"We will, be patient with yourself."  
"I am, I have been, I just, it's been over 2 years," Josh said sadly, stirring his chocolaty milk with his spoon and watching the ripples rather than his brother's face fall.

"There's no time limit on overcoming trauma J,"  
"Doesn't make it any easier,"  
"No course it doesn't, I'm sorry if I said the wrong thing."  
"It's just," he tried to find the words but couldn't push himself far enough. "Never mind."  
"Tell me if you can, it'll be good for you."  
"S'fine, tell me about what you got up to at this party last night then," Josh moved on and Jordan nodded, knowing not to keep digging.

"So you know Gracie from my psychology class?"  
"Gracie green hair Gracie."  
"Bingo. It was her birthday so I went to her place alongside a bunch of other people. Dave, Mark, Johnny, Layla, urmm, Perrie, uh, Jess, I think they're all the ones I've talked to you about, they were all there."  
"Yeah,"  
"Started out fairly tame, gifts, music, talking, that sorta thing. Then Eugene rocked up with tequila, have I told you about Eugene?"  
"From the room down your hall?"  
"No that's Eric."  
"Oh, sorry, Eugene from the gym?"  
"That's Fletcher," Jordan laughed but Josh felt so fucking stupid. It's not exactly like he had any friends of his own to remember, and now he couldn't even be a decent brother because he was so fucking stupid. He was so fucking stupid. So fucking stupid.

"Josh! Josh, stop it, it's okay, Josh," he suddenly heard his brother calling him and realised that his fists were clenched and pounding against his temples over and over again. He opened his squeezed his eyes and saw Jordan leaning forwards concerned, arm stretched about to intervene. Josh unclenched his fists, unclenched his jaw, unclenched his eyes and breathed. Deep breaths.

"I'm sorry Josh, I shouldn't have laughed, it wasn't funny and actually it makes me very happy that you know the names of so many of my friends." Jordan told him soothingly as he tried his best to calm down again but couldn't. "It's okay Josh, it's all okay,"  
"I can't even remember who he is, how, how, how am I ever gonna get better when I'm so fucking stupid?!"  
"Josh, Josh look at me, Josh."  
"Jord," he heaved between hyperventilating breaths.  
"Yeah I'm here Josh, come on deep breaths, do you need to take a walk?"   
"No," Josh shook his head desperately before hiding it in his hands and feeling the tears coat his palms.

"Eugene is from the band we go see on a Friday night, it doesn't matter that you don't remember him, what matters is that you're okay. I need you to be okay Josh, I need you to use one of your techniques because otherwise your crying might trigger a flashback and you don't deserve to go through that." Jordan said and Josh understood but he couldn't seem to act on his words and he couldn't seem to breathe.

"Josh darling, it's Hannah, do you want to go for a walk with me?"  
"I offered and he said no." Jordan explained to the nurse who must have joined them when Josh couldn't stop sobbing. "He got mixed up between my friends, worked himself up."  
"Alright sweetie, you need to ground yourself. Do you want a stimming toy?" Hannah asked and Josh so desperately wanted to say yes but he couldn't stop crying. "Josh I'm going to put one in your hand, if you don't like it then you can drop it."  
"Shh, you're okay J," Jordan hummed as Hannah carefully plied his hands down, exposing his red tear stained face, and placed a twisty toy in them. Immediately he latched onto it and began twisting and turning and fiddling and distracting.

"Do you want me to count for you?" Hannah offered but Josh sniffed and shook his head no whilst concentrating on the plastic in his hands. "Have you taken your medication?"  
"Yeah he took them without a problem, he did really well." Jordan answered for him.  
"Well done Josh. Now, can you calm down here or do you want to go to the quiet room or your apartment instead?"  
"Here," Josh sighed shakily. Hannah smiled at him and he saw Jordan smiling too but he couldn't bring himself to join them. Instead he focused on breathing, it was easier now, and wiping away the tears as they fell. It took time but eventually his heart stopped pounding through his chest and finally his head stopped screaming. Kind of.

 

  
After Josh calmed down and Jordan managed to finish his story about Eugene's tequila and the madness that ensued, they went up to his apartment. He was still slightly on edge but genuinely felt better. Jordan had an amazing ability to make him feel loved and listened to whilst also finding the bright side and making appropriately timed jokes.

"Did Mom give you money for the store?" Josh asked as Jordan flicked on the kettle in the kitchenette area.  
"Of course she did." He nodded, digging into his pocket and passing across an envelope. Josh took it and untucked the unglued flap, then looked at all the crisp fresh notes she had got from the bank specially for him. He triple counted them then took out the small hand written note that she always included.

Joshua,  
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus  
Philippians 1:6  
I love you with all my heart baby, and I'm so unbelievably proud of you. I miss you so much but I know you're making amazing progress xxx  
Prayers and hugs,  
Mom xx

He smiled to himself then opened one of the cabinets and got out a roll of scotch tape and ripped it along the line he had already measured. With a piece the perfect length he walked over to his wall and stuck the note alongside the dozens of others he had received from her since moving in. Before putting the tape back on its shelf he grabbed his tape measure and drew a pencil line on the tape at the two inch mark. Finally satisfied the line was correct, he put everything away and watched as Jordan finished making his coffee and took his first sip.

"Which verse did you get today?"  
"Philippians 1:6,"   
"Nice, which one's your favourite?"  
"From Mom? Or just generally?"  
"Generally."  
"Psalm 57:1,"  
"Go on," Jordan encouraged him whilst drinking from his steaming mug.  
"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge, in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge until the destroying storms pass by."  
"Wow, that's powerful, fitting to you and your situation too."  
"Exactly." Josh agreed.

"She misses you a lot you know,"  
"I know."  
"You think you'll ever be able to see her again?"  
"I think ever is a really long time." Josh quoted Hannah from last night.  
"Very wise," Jordan smiled. "She wouldn't say it because she doesn't want to force you, but she does really want to see you J."  
"I know, I just, I, yeah, I mean she was the first person I saw after it happened, and, a-and it just takes me right back. I, I want to make her happy of course, but um, I wanna make sure that I'm happy too, you know? Like I don't want her to see me and be happy for a second but then for me to have a flashback and end up back in hospital again or something. That brief moment of happiness isn't worth it."  
"Yeah no I totally understand, that makes perfect sense."  
"Thank you."

"Again, no need to explain yourself, but she says she hasn't had a phone call since you moved in."  
"Yeah, um, at uh, at the last place they, um, they let me use the landline for calls. Here doesn't have one."  
"What about the iPhone she bought you?"  
"Still in the box." Josh replied.  
"Need some help setting it up? Because I'm more than happy to offer my services."  
"OCD thing, paranoia thing, germs on the screen and tappers listening to calls. It's uh, it's dumb I know but I'm not ready yet."  
"It's not dumb J, it's mental illness and it fucking sucks, but it's not dumb. I'll tell Mom and she'll understand."  
"Thanks, and uh, and tell her I love her."  
"Course." Jordan nodded as he finished his coffee.

"You wanna head to the store today or just fancy staying in your pyjamas and watching some crappy daytime TV together?"  
"I wanna go out." Josh decided.  
"You do?" Jordan grinned proudly. "Awesome, well I'm ready whenever you are."  
"I just need to get dressed. I mean I'm crazy but I'm not quite pyjamas-to-the-supermarket crazy."  
"Only on bad days." The younger laughed and Josh smiled. "Need any help or can you do it?"  
"I, I think I can do it, but you have to tell me if I look stupid in whatever I put on."  
"Hey I hand picked that wardrobe myself, there's not a single bad item in your possession. But seriously J, I'd let you know if your outfit wasn't 'normal' okay?"   
"Thanks." Josh nodded, then left for his bedroom.

 

 

Josh had left Avalon House 11 times since he arrived exactly 4 weeks ago. Twice he'd been on walks with Hannah, 3 times Ashley and Abi had taken him to Ashley's apartment to stroke her cats, he'd been out with Jenna and Tyler once and this was the fifth time Jordan had gone to the store with him. The store with Jordan was his favourite.

The House had a rota for groceries which were paid for by everyone's rent and were made into the meals which were on a different rota. Josh had been told that he had a 6 week settling in period before he would slowly be introduced to the rota, and he was both terrified and excited. Finally having responsibilities and a reason to wake up and a sense of accomplishment would be good, but pressure and stress less so. But Hannah had reassured him that no position was ever one person so he'd have help, and everyone had a 'bad day backup buddy' to fill their role when it was all too much. Plus she promised that the first trial job would be groceries since he found his trips with Jordan so rewarding.

"Alright big J, what do we need?" Jordan asked as they entered, a blast of air conditioning chilling Josh a little. His younger brother pushed the cart and leant forwards on the handle whilst lifting his feet up so he could glide down the first aisle.

"I was gonna, um, I was gonna do a list but I didn't,"  
"That's okay, can you remember anything or should we just wander and pick up things you like the look of?"   
"I didn't do a list."  
"Yeah that's okay Josh, it's alright, we don't need a list."  
"We don't?"  
"Nah, we're men, we don't follow instructions."  
"That's sexist."  
"That's correct." Jordan smiled. "You okay?"  
"I think so."   
"Same rule as always, poke me if you need to get out but you can't speak, don't just run."  
"I'll try my best."  
"And that's all I can ask of you, thank you." Jordan told him and Josh nodded, still feeling off about not having a list.

"Okay so do you want any food to keep in your apartment?"  
"Like some snacks maybe?" Josh suggested nervously, not knowing if he was saying the right thing.  
"Snacks, we can do snacks. What do you like?"  
"I, I don't know," he shrugged, following the route that Jordan lead.  
"Okay well I'll show you what I like, that way if you get them but they're not your thing then I'll have them instead. Does that sound alright?"  
"Yeh,"   
"And if you see anything you recognise or remember or just want to try then we can get that too."  
"Okay," Josh nodded, pulling at his sleeves anxiously. Usually when they went to the store they only bought things off the list and not sticking to a plan, not having a plan, was scaring Josh. But he trusted Jordan, trusted he would protect him, look after him, keep him safe.

"Alright chips, so personally my fave are those Doritos there, the green ones, you see 'em?"  
"Yeh," Josh nodded, picking up a bag that was 3 times bigger than how he remembered chips. "D-do you eat them all?"  
"It's a sharing pack, meant for lots of people,"  
"But I live alone."   
"Well honestly I tend to eat a whole pack myself," Jordan grinned proudly. "But there's probably individual size packs somewhere if you prefer?"  
"Okay."

"Speaking of addictive crisps with potentially ridiculous serving sizes, Pringles."  
"Oh I remember them!"  
"You do? Awesome." Jordan smiled then began searching the shelves to find the tubes, when suddenly his face fell and Josh immediately panicked. This wasn't good.

"Okay Josh I need you to listen to me," he whispered and Josh nodded terrified, tears brimming. "My friend Eugene is on this aisle, he hasn't seen us yet but if he does then he'll probably come over. He doesn't know what happened to you, he doesn't know you were in hospital, and I promise he's not going to hurt you. You can trus-"  
"JORDY BOY!" The tall Asian man dressed entirely in black heckled and Josh jumped.  
"I'm so sorry Josh, I'll make him go- Hey man," Jordan whispered before Eugene arrived and the pair hugged whilst Josh prayed for this to be over.

"Gawd how's your head this morning? You were so fucking gone dude," the stranger asked.  
"Me? What about you!"  
"Hahaha, you gonna introduce me then?"  
"This is my big brother Josh, but uh, he's got a cold, I wouldn't touch," Jordan said then thankfully came up with an excuse as to why Josh was frozen, unable to shake the hand extended towards him.

"Ah good call, I'm a singer, can't go losing my livelihood," Eugene laughed and Josh wanted to die. "Nice to meet you though man, you guys look crazy similar."  
"Everyone always says that, personally I don't see it. Listen, we're kinda in a rush so we better keep shopping but I'll text you later?"  
"Yeah alright. You coming to the show on Friday?"  
"Almost definitely." Jordan nodded, flicking Josh a worried glance.  
"Awesome, you should come too Josh."   
"Maybe he will, I'll text you,"  
"Alright, see you round bud, and nice to meet you Josh,"  
"Bye,"

As soon as Eugene walked off Josh burst into tears, suddenly the anxiety and fear becoming too much for him to handle. He didn't care that he was crying in the middle of a supermarket, all he knew was that sobbing was familiar and well known and safe. Hands clutching his ears and chin pressed to his chest as he crouched to the floor, Josh allowed the whimpers and tears to flow freely. Not that he had any choice. He never had any choice. 


	3. Bleach

Wednesdays were just no good. Josh did not like Wednesdays. Jordan always had an early class so he couldn't join him for breakfast and Hannah always had the day off to spend with her boyfriend so Josh was always alone and often lonely.

Pretty much every therapist he had ever seen in each of his many hospitals had told him that isolation was bad for him, but did it count as isolating if he didn't have any other choice? He didn't know, all he knew was that he was lonely and feeling self destructive.

Josh sighed and rolled out of bed, rubbing his face as he opened the curtains. He'd been to breakfast over an hour ago but had closed them again and crawled under his covers as soon as his bowl was empty and he was able to race up the stairs. Breakfast was always hard on Wednesdays. Everything was always hard on Wednesdays.

He didn't walk away from the window, instead he stared out at the Columbus skyline. In the far distance were buildings touching the dark clouds, reaching up up up before suddenly disappearing within the swirls. Josh clenched his fists tight and begged for there not to be a storm, he couldn't cope with thunder, not now, not on a Wednesday.

Closer to Avalon House, closer to him, was a road that wasn't particularly busy but at the same time wasn't quiet either. He liked to watch the cars, especially at night. The headlights bouncing off the asphalt was smooth and steady and somewhat entrancing, and when everything else was flaring up it was calming to have something constant to watch.

But it was daytime and there were no headlights, and despite his best efforts Josh couldn't calm down that slight hitch in his shaking breath. He couldn't go through another flashback, yesterday's episode in the supermarket had resulted in someone calling the police and Jordan having to explain everything to the officer whilst Josh screamed in the staff room before eventually being escorted back to the House. No, he couldn't go through that again this soon, especially not without Jordan to whisper kind words and stroke his hair.

So Josh abandoned his first technique of car watching and walked into the kitchen so he could read the post-it note stuck to the wall amongst his notes from Mom. He located the list of things he had written for what to do when he couldn't calm down and next thing to try was cleaning his apartment.

Cleaning equipment was kept in the small cupboard next to the bathroom and the first thing Josh did was crack open a new bottle of bleach. He was slightly concerned because he only had 4 bottles left and hadn't been able to top his supply up to 9 like he usually did due to his meltdown in the store. However he told himself not to panic and instead poured the bottle of bleach into the red bucket.

Bleach was soothing. It was powerful and effectual and the smell was so damn good. It was definitely an OCD thing, cleaning his floors twice a day, but it was also a soothing thing. The strokes of the mop he dipped into the liquid then wipe wipe wiped the tiles with, a repetitive motion that relieved his anxious thoughts to a certain degree. Knowing that some of the germs were being killed meant another small chunk of upset was chipped away too.

Josh felt the soles of his bare feet begin to tingle and he knew that the constant treading backwards and forwards as he went over the same sections again and again meant the tired skin was absorbing the chemical. Of course it wasn't a feeling that most would find pleasant, but to Josh it was a reminder that he was human and he still had sense and was still alive, and yes, the pain distracted him.

All his hard work to slow his breathing down was suddenly undone when a sharp knock on the door made him jump out of his skin.  
"Jordan??" He called out cautiously, padding on his throbbing feet towards the door, mop still in hand protectively.   
"It's Emma!"  
"W-what, what do you want?" Josh asked scared.  
"Your brother texted me, wanted me to check you're okay?"  
"I'm fine!"  
"That's the number one way to give away the fact you're not. Please, can I come in?" The girl called through the door and it took longer than he was proud of for Josh finally to slide the chain and unlock the door.

"Thanks,"  
"Can you please just tell him I'm okay?" Josh borderline begged. "I don't want him to be worried."  
"Well should he be? I mean Jesus Josh, it reeks of bleach in here." Emma said, walking past him and down into the kitchen area. Josh shut the door then followed after her, mop still clutched with white knuckles.

"I'm just cleaning up," he told her, reinitiating the bleach spreading process. He wouldn't stop until all the bleach was gone. "Self care and all that, making, uh, making the flat a nicer place to be for me."  
"Is this really self care or is this a symptom?"  
"Of what?"  
"Well I dunno, you won't tell me what you're in for." Emma complained with a shrug.  
"I did, chronic PTSD,"   
"Yeah but that could mean anything."  
"No, it means I've got PTSD." Josh insisted, bailing out bleach as fast as his heart raced, not caring when sloshes of liquid splashed all over the tops of his feet.

"Why did that police officer bring you home yesterday? Did you try to kill yourself?" Emma quickly changed the conversation.  
"No."  
"Why then?"  
"Because I had a flashback."  
"Why?"  
"Because I've got PTSD!" Josh exclaimed frustrated at the girl who had made herself at home in his personal private little corner of the world. He saw the hurt in her face and felt guilty, knowing she was fragile too.

"Sorry. It's just, you know, it um, my dad doesn't believe PTSD is real. He thinks, that uh, that I fake it all? He says I've made it up so I don't have to go back to work." Josh told his friend. "It, it sounded like you don't believe me either."  
"What?! Oh, oh I'm so sorry!" Emma cried out horrified at herself, standing up from the chair she had sat in and rushing over to give him an apologetic hug. He was about to step back and tell her no, he couldn't, when suddenly she stopped and gasped.

"Argh, chemical floor - quick Josh, get off there." She hissed, jumping off the bleach covered tiles and onto the safety of the carpeted living room. Her hand hooked his elbow and pulled him along with her, but Josh's feet didn't stop burning.

"Doesn't that hurt?!"  
"A bit," he shrugged truthfully.  
"Josh you shouldn't be doing this barefoot, you're getting chemicals all over your skin."  
"So?"  
"So that's bad. Come on, sit up on the counter and put your feet in the sink, wash it off."  
"Why?"  
"Because it's hurting you Josh, it's self harm."  
"It's not self harm." He insisted stubbornly.   
"Yes it is! You're intentionally doing something to harm yourself!"  
"I'm not!"  
"Josh climb on the counter or I'm texting Jordan saying you self harmed."  
"But." He began to complain before realising it was pointless because Emma was even more stubborn than him. The last thing he wanted was to scare Jordan yet again, so with a slight groan he lifted himself onto the worktop and shuffled along until he could dangle his feet in the kitchen sink and start the cold flow of water rushing over them.

"Does that feel better?"  
"No." Josh sulked, resting his chin on his huddled knees.  
"Why were you doing it?"  
"To clean up."  
"Why were you cleaning up?"  
"Makes me feel better,"  
"Why did you need to feel better? Were you feeling bad?"   
"Why do you always ask why? Sometimes there isn't a reason why."  
"There's always a reason why, you just have to dig deep enough. That's what my therapist told me." She replied, crawling up on the counter opposite him and peering down at his feet being pelted with cold water.

"I'm not telling you what happened Emma, it's my trauma, it's my thing."  
"Oh but pleeeaaasse,"  
"It's not like it's a crush or something trivial, it screwed me up." Josh sighed.  
"But you're gonna stay screwed up if you don't talk about it."  
"I have talked about it Em, that's why I'm here and not intensive care anymore, but if I think about it then I end up getting the police called on me. Please, it's personal, I don't ask you about your past, don't ask me about mine."   
"Okay." She nodded to his relief. He understood people's fascination and hunger for knowing the secret, but trauma wasn't something to be gossiped about. Especially not his.

"And you know, if you ever wanna ask me about why I'm here then you can."  
"I know why you're here, you don't eat and you're emotionally unstable." Josh replied numbly, reaching out and putting his hand under the tap. It reminded him of the fountain, of when he had gone out with Tyler and Jenna and he put his hand in the fountain. And that reminded him of Tyler and Jenna and how much he missed them, how much he missed hanging out with them, just being with them and being okay and being himself.

"You okay?" She asked, and he realised he must have teared up again.  
"Uh huh." He nodded.  
"Want me to call Jordan and tell him to come? He said he'd skip class if you needed him."  
"Why do you have his number?"  
"He gave it to me,"  
"W-why?!" Josh panicked, paranoid thoughts running away from him.  
"In case this happened and you freaked but couldn't call him. He said your phone was evil or something?"  
"Don't hurt him."  
"I won't." She reassured him, then leant forward to check up on his feet again.

"Do they still hurt?"  
"No. Please don't make Jordan leave class."  
"Stop splashing, let the water go straight to your feet. And why don't you want him to come?" Emma instructed, pushing his hand out of the stream.  
"He always puts me first. He's already had to repeat one semester because of my breakdown, I don't want to completely fuck up his future just because mine is hopeless."  
"Hey, hey look at me, Josh, look at me."  
"What?"  
"It's not hopeless." She told him with no shadow of doubt. "This shit you went through, it's in the past, you went through it but now it's over and you're safe and you're getting better. Like you said earlier, you were in intensive care and now you're here, and from here until a few years into the future you're gonna make even more progress. The trauma is in the past and the future can still be bright."  
"It doesn't work like that." Josh shook his head, a tear escaping his lower lashes.

"Explain it to me then?"  
"It happened 2 years ago but it doesn't stay there, it's everyday. I either have to relive it in a flashback or spend my entire life doing everything I possibly can to prevent a flashback happening, and even then they usually happen anyway. A flashback isn't remembering, I always remember, a flashback is living it again. It's smelling the fear, it's seeing the room, it's feeling the zip ties-" Josh shared before realising he'd gone too far, no no no, no not again, no this couldn't be happening.

"Call him," he managed to pant as he began hyperventilating.  
"Jordan? Okay I'm doing it Josh, just, um, calm down."

 

  
"JOSH? Josh it's Jordan, where are you?!"  
"We're in here," Emma called out for him, and in the blink of an eye his younger brother burst through the door and into Josh's bedroom. The lights were off, it was safer that way, and he was hidden under the blankets.

"Hey J, oh it's okay, shh, I'm here now," Jordan whispered as Josh immediately pushed them off him and threw his arms around his brother, collapsing into sobs against his neck. They were ugly snotty sobs that unfortunately both of them were used to, and Jordan rubbed his back slowly.

"Flashback?"  
"Almost, he managed to pull himself back." Emma explained.  
"You did? Oh well done J, well done." Jordan seemed genuinely proud of him but Josh couldn't see the positives when he couldn't even breathe. The world was spinning and even though he knew Jordan's grip was secure it still felt as though everything was slipslipslipping away from him.

"Deep breaths Josh, hold it for a second longer before letting it out." He instructed but Josh couldn't no matter how hard he tried. "Shh, shh you're okay, shh. Emma, how long has he been like this?"  
"40-45 minutes?"  
"Right, shh, J, shhshh, if it's longer than half an hour then you're allowed your PRN meds aren't you? Have you taken them?"  
"N-n-no,"  
"Okay, do you want to try and take them?" Jordan suggested softly in a way that comforted him without scaring him into feeling backed into a corner. Josh squeezed his eyes closed and nodded against his baby brother.

"Emma, do you mind asking Hannah for them?"  
"Hannah doesn't work Wednesdays but yeah, I'll go ask Louise." Emma explained then left the room, leaving Josh to whimper and Jordan to shush.

"Was it her? Being with a girl? Did it trigger you? Because I can politely ask her not to be alone with you if that's gonna stop this happening."   
"No-o, i-it, it wasn't h-e-er,"  
"It's okay Josh, you don't need to explain," Jordan murmured, squeezing him tight. "If you want to talk about it then we can, if you don't then we won't."  
"I, I, I-I, I said zip tiesss," he wept.  
"Oh Josh," the younger sighed sympathetically, "that must have been so hard and I am so so proud of you for holding back that flashback, okay? You're amazing."

Josh wanted to tell him that he wasn't amazing, let him know that in reality he was weak and pathetic but he was too weak and pathetic to stop crying. Even though he has cried literally everyday for the past 750-something days, he still struggled to believe that he wasn't dying. His chest was definitely about to collapse and his lungs were about to give in and his skull was about the burst.

It was a vicious cycle and he didn't care that everyone told him he was better because at the end of the day he always cried himself to sleep. Not a single night had gone by when he hadn't. He cried himself to sleep and he cried when a stranger looked at him and he cried when he heard certain words or saw certain things and he cried because he was tired of crying. He was tired of crying and he was tired of living like this.

"Does Hannah ever work on a Wednesday?"  
"No," Josh sniffed.  
"So you're always alone?"  
"Uh huh,"  
"Josh I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I thought she took care of you. But listen, I'll drop my class and I promise I'll be here for you instead. We'll spend Wednesdays together too, I'll look after you." Jordan whispered whilst slowly rocking his crying brother.  
"Don't,"  
"Don't? Josh I have to make sure you're okay, you're a million times more important than some stuffy degree. You matter, college doesn't."  
"It should!"   
"Josh listen to me, if you think that some poxy piece of paper is going to make me happier than helping you get better then you're wrong. When I'm not with you all I do is worry, the only time I'm ever actually relaxed is when I know you're safe. Please Josh, I need the peace of mind."

"Tyler."  
"Tyler? What about Tyler?" Jordan asked, still hugging him.  
"He, he w-works n-nights, he, he, he could come o-on a, on a W-Wednesssda-ay,"  
"I'm sure he'd be up for that but are you sure that you are?   
"Y-yeh,"  
"Remember what you said about Monday? It was hard for you Josh, you don't have to put yourself through that, honestly, I'll talk to my professor and explain than my brother's health comes first."  
"No, I, I, I w-want Ty," Josh half lied. Really he just didn't want to be responsible for yet another postponement of his brother's future. He felt guilty enough already. And yes the thought of being with Tyler rather than the safety of his brother's arms only intensified his sobs, but he had to force himself, had to protect Jordan, had to face up to the fact that he was a pathetic crybaby and he was always going to be a pathetic crybaby so it didn't really matter whether he was feeling safe with Jord or suicidal with Ty.


	4. Dr Jarvis

"Good morning Josh,"  
"Hi Doc," Josh greeted the therapist as he entered the office, the older man shutting the door behind them and gesturing to the seat Josh was supposed to sit in. Josh didn't need telling, not really, he had therapy in the room 3 times a week and was well aware that the patient always sat in the chair with their back to the clock. All therapy room layouts were the same. But regardless Josh nodded gratefully and settled into the comfortable padded chair, repositioning the small cushion.

"How are you?" Dr Jarvis asked, pen and paper at the ready as he peered over the top of his glasses that Josh always doubted he even needed.  
"I'm okay."  
"Did you have any of Jason's omelettes at breakfast?"  
"No," Josh shook his head, pulling a tangle out of his pocket preemptively.  
"Probably for the best, I'm still finding egg shell in my teeth," he smiled and Josh laughed out of duty. "That man is very skilled in many areas but I wouldn't say cooking is his greatest talent."  
"Yeah,"  
"But Jess and Emma are up for dinner tonight, now there are two people who can cook up a mean chilli."  
"I've heard," he lied.

"So, Josh, this is your time," the therapist began seriously. "Whatever you'd like to use it for is your choice, or if you'd prefer I started with some exercises to help you get going then that's okay too. Whatever you need to do, now is your time."  
"Thank you."  
"How are you? Genuinely this time please."  
"I'm better,"  
"Than?"  
"I, I don't understand," Josh said because he was a fucking idiot.   
"You said that you're better, better than what? Better than how you felt at our last session, or last week, or when you moved in, or than when you were first hospitalised or something different?"  
"First hospitalised." He murmured, playing with his tangle.

"Do you believe that Josh?"  
"No, but you do."  
"Why do you think I do?" Dr Jarvis asked.  
"Because otherwise I wouldn't be living here, I'd still be in the intensive care seclusion room tied down with physical restraints and sedated off my face half the time. You only discharge patients who are better."  
"That's correct Josh, you have been discharged and you're able to sit here without the need of restraints, so does that not mean you're better?"

"I don't feel better."  
"Feel, that's the key word. Tell me more about what you felt in your first hospital."  
"Back then I felt, um, I felt fear of course. I was afraid, and uh, scared," Josh answered, pulling his toy. "And I felt bereaved."  
"Is that true Josh?"  
"Yes."  
"So when you were in hospital, in that padded room, wrists and ankles tied down for your safety whilst you screamed and screamed for days on end, you're telling me that you were deeply saddened by your loss? Or do you think maybe you're saying you were grieving because that's what you're 'supposed' to do after a death?"  
"All I remember is fear." Josh replied truthfully. "I should have been thinking about her but in reality I was fixated on myself and the danger I thought I was in."  
"Right," he nodded as he noted.

"I, personally, think she deserved better."  
"Josh we spoke about this, remember, there was nothing you could've-"  
"No no, I, I don't mean on the day, well, that too, but I mean she deserved to be grieved for better than what I did." Josh told the doctor, not even noticing the tear that dropped off his jawline.  
"What do you mean by that?"  
"Well, um, I uh, I,"  
"Tissue?"  
"Thank you." Josh nodded then pulled one from the box he had extended towards him. He dabbed his face with it then screwed it up into a little ball that fit the inside of his palm.

"My mom, when I little, she used to tell me to save my tears for something worthy?" He continued quietly. "Like I dropped my water bottle once and the cap cracked and I cried because, well because it was my favourite, but my mom told me she could just buy a new one and it wasn't worth getting upset over. But then when I was 9 my grandpa died and she told me it was okay to cry because he was special and irreplaceable and meant a lot to me."  
"Yeah,"  
"She always taught us that you devoted an amount of time being upset over something in relation to how much it meant to you,"  
"Right,"  
"And Debby, I mean, there are no words to describe how much she meant to me. She was my world, and yet I just told you that I didn't even think about her when I was hospitalised." Josh said, voice trembling towards the end. The bunched up tissue reemerged and feebly attempted to wipe away the constant flow of tears.

"Was it a choice though, Josh, did you choose to react the way you did?"  
"No," he hiccuped.  
"But you feel guilty for not grieving how you deem appropriate?"  
"Absolutely."  
"So, if you did have a choice in the matter, how would you have grieved for her?"  
"I just, I, would've thought about her more, a-and, aand - sorry, I can't."  
"It's okay Josh, take a minute." Dr Jarvis said, putting down his notebook.

"Stand up, walk around a bit, look out the window if you need to." The man offered but Josh just shook his head tearfully, not trusting his weak legs to support him. He simply pursed his lips together tight and breathed through his nose shakily, blinking rapidly and praying he could calm down. But honestly? Honestly he wasn't thinking about calming down, he was thinking about Debby and that was only causing more and more tears to escape.

Don't have a flashback. Don't have a flashback. Don't have a flashback.

He forced himself to distract his mind from Debby's beautiful face and instead focused on Jordan, his baby brother waiting for him outside in the hall. Jordan shouldn't have to deal with a flashback, shouldn't have to deal with Josh's problems, shouldn't have to deal with Josh.

Tears still streaming, Josh took a shaky gulp then faced Dr Jarvis's concerned face again.

"Ready to start again?"  
"Uh huh, but um, but no more Debby."  
"Okay, no more Debby." The therapist agreed. "But Josh, the point I wanted to make is that you are better than when you were first admitted. You might not feel better, but you are aware of your feelings and that is improvement in itself."  
"Mmm," he hiccuped.

"Is there something else you want to talk about instead?"  
"I, I, I don't know."  
"Josh can I ask a question instead then?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Have you ever had exposure therapy?"  
"Uh huh, at um, at the complex care ward."  
"That was for OCD right?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Yeah I remember reading it in your file, seemed like you did really well so good job on that, but I meant for PTSD?"  
"No never." Josh shook his tear streaked head.

"Josh I was wondering whether maybe you'd be open to contemplating a new treatment plan? A new technique?"  
"Exposure? No, no way, I'll just have a flashback and be inconsolable for the rest of the session."  
"We wouldn't be putting you back into your trauma scenario if that's what you're imagining."  
"Still, I don't want to." Josh shook his head adamantly.

"Mental health, mental illness, it's a very unique thing, each case varies and each person responds differently. However, there are a rough set of recognised techniques that are widely acceptable as beneficial for someone with PTSD. Firstly there's CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, that's what we do together. Then there's group therapy which I know you participated in on your complex care ward, and still do occasionally now. Medication is also recommended in some more severe cases and I know you have several prescriptions. You've tried all of the above and I know you have come a long way, but wouldn't you like to give yourself that final push? Try something new to get rid of the flashbacks once and for all?" Dr Jarvis said but Josh knew full well that exposure would trigger them, not stop them.

"PE stands for prolonged exposure therapy and it helps you work through painful memories in a safe way. We'll do it together, make a list of things that remind you of the trauma and then we'll slowly work down the list and find ways for you to change how you think about-"  
"You mean force me into flashbacks." Josh interrupted.   
"No Josh, I'd never intentionally do that to you, however I am concerned that the anxiety you're having over even slightly related things is building and growing-"  
"And I'm not exposing myself to that voluntarily!"

"Josh," the man sighed. "I want you to get better, and in my professional opinion this is what you need."  
"Doc can I leave?"  
"You want to go?"  
"Yeah, I, I, I don't wanna be here."  
"We're only 10 minutes in."  
"Please."   
"Are you going to be safe if you leave? Or have you worked yourself up?"  
"Jordan's waiting, please,"  
"Alright Josh, you can go, but please think about PE? At least talk it through with Jordan. I'll see you at dinner." He said but Josh didn't reply, simply stood up and walked out.

Jordan was on one of the chairs outside the office, leaning down on the inconveniently low coffee table and writing out school work. Immediately his head whipped up and he dropped his pen to rush to Josh's aid.

"Josh, Josh look at me, what happened?"  
"I just, I can't be here,"  
"Okay, I'll take you somewhere different, can I grab my stuff first or do you need to go now?" Jordan accepted immediately, not expecting an explanation and holding eye contact with Josh. He trembled and tugged at his tangle but managed to nod and watched as his brother hurriedly stuffed papers into his briefcase before rushing back over to him and wrapping an arm around his elbow.

"Should we try the quiet room?"  
"O-ok," he nodded, allowing his brother to guide him away from Dr Jarvis's room and down the hall towards the sensory room at the other end. Jordan held the door open then closed it behind them as Josh tried to slow down his thoughts and focus on the room. There were no bright overhead lights, instead it was lit with soft blue projections on the wall and several floor to ceiling lava lamps glowing. Josh sat down on the thickly padded floor and grabbed one of the flour filled balloons laying about, abandoning his tangle.

As he began squeezing the comforting toy, Jordan sat on one of the beanbags with a sigh and watched him closely. He found the room helpful, the calming bubbles, the relaxing colours, the safety of the softness, and yet he rarely went in. Something illogical about not being allowed to look after himself because he was a fucking idiot.

"J," Jordan whispered after a long minute.  
"Mmm?"  
"Is this helping or do you want to go into the garden or your apartment?"  
"Here's, here's good."  
"Okay, we'll stay as long as you'd like."  
"Thank you." Josh murmured before adding, "Do, um, do your school work if you need."  
"I think it's probably best I watch you, don't you?"  
"Yeh," he sighed, pressing the flour balloon with the pads of his thumbs.

"Jord,"  
"Yeah bud?"  
"Jord he wants me to do exposure tasks."  
"Didn't you already complete them all on Tulip ward?"  
"OCD ones yeah. He wants me to do PTSD ones."  
"Like what? Going back to where it happened, that sorta thing?" The younger asked gently.  
"Dunno, I um, I walked out."  
"So you don't wanna do it?"  
"No," Josh shook his head as he manipulated the stimming toy. "Yesterday I cried for 2 hours because I said a word. I can't, I can't remind myself, I can't, I'm not ready."  
"Okay, you know what you're capable of. If he puts pressure on you then tell me and I'll intervene."  
"Thank you."

"But Josh," Jordan said a minute later.  
"Mmm?"  
"Did he say it would help with the flashbacks?"  
"Nothing helps with the flashbacks okay, nothing. This is me now. And, a-and I know that everyone thinks I've still got some fight in me, still got strength to push myself, but you're wrong. This is me now. I'm discharged from hospital, my treatment is done, there's nothing left they can do for me and I'm not ever going to be able to go back to who I was. This is me now, this is my life, okay? I'm sorry if you don't like that but do you think I do? Constantly fighting off triggers and memories and any sort of extreme emotions or feelings because I'm so so terrified of having a flashback? I don't like this, in fact I'd easily go as far as to say I hate it, but this is me now. Take it or leave it."


	5. Kittens Galore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets pretty heavy towards the end, so please take care my beautiful readers <3 x

When Josh opened his eyes to a unfamiliar sight his first thought was panic. He immediately sat up alert and only began to calm down ever so slightly when he realised he was in the back seat of his sister's parked car, and made eye contact with her in the mirror.

"Hey there sleepyhead,"  
"W-what's going on?" He asked, still not totally trusting the unknown conditions.  
"You fell asleep on the drive from Avalon House, I figured you probably needed the rest so I didn't wake you but I didn't want you to be alone so I waited. Abi's gone inside already." Ashley explained softly and Josh rubbed his eyes as he remembered what she was talking about. It was a Friday and that meant it was cat petting day. He vaguely remember getting in the car earlier but the memory was fogged by the ongoing voices in his head, and it was just easier to ignore it all and take Ashley's word for it.

"You tell me when you're ready to head in."  
"Okay, just, just gimme a minute." He asked shakily, still trying to slow down his heart and lower the risk of a flashback. Just up the path was a room full of kittens which was bound to give him an endorphin rush, but of course with a rush of any chemical in his brain there was the risk of a flashback and there were so many other risks and this was so risky and why did he think this many risks was a good idea and why did he think he could do this and why-

"Josh you're hyperventilating, do you want some fresh air?"  
"I, I wanna go ho-me,"  
"You do?"  
"I can't do this." He shook his head scared.  
"Are you sure? I mean the cats are inside, you like the cats don't you?"  
"Please,"  
"Josh don't you want to at least try? We haven't even gone in." Ashley said, not understanding how desperate he was to hide under his blanket and cry. He couldn't do this, he couldn't do this and he couldn't breathe.

"There's no reason to have a panic attack Josh, come on, nothing bad is gonna happen." She attempted to calm him down but it didn't slow down the gasps and didn't stop the car from spinning and the sides from closing in. He knew this was going to happen, he shouldn't have left the house, he shouldn't have left the house - not that the house was any safer. He was never safe.

"Look, if you're gonna get upset then I'll take you back but honestly I think some fresh air will help."  
"No no no it won't, nothing helps."  
"Please Josh, tell me what to do to make you feel better."  
"Nothing, no no no nothing," he shook his head as a hot tear streamed down his cheek.  
"Josh I don't understand what's panicking you, I promise the doors aren't locked. Or is it the seatbelt, being strapped in, do you want to unplug?"  
"I, I, I wanna, go, home,"   
"Hmm," Ashley hummed and Josh knew it was disapprovingly, he knew she hated him.

"Do you want me to call Jordan so you can speak to him on the phone?"  
"Is, your, phone, s-safe?"  
"Yep, it's safe I promise, and I can put it on speaker if you don't want to touch it."  
"No no, I, I don't like speaker, can I just speak to him please?"  
"Gimme one sec," Ashley said as she pulled out her phone and Josh wiped away a tear with the back of his hand. "Hi Jordan, yeah, yeah he's with me, no I don't think so. He's a bit upset, do you mind talking to him? Okay thanks - Josh here you go." She passed the device across and he sniffed then held it against his ear.

"Josh?"  
"S'me,"  
"Are you gonna have a flashback?"  
"I, I, I don't know, I, um, I, just, I, I,"  
"You're panicking?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Right Josh I need you to focus on breathing, I know it's hard for you but it's important."  
"Y-yeh,"  
"Do you have a tangle with you?"  
"No,"  
"That's okay, now I know that you always have an elastic band so can you play with that in your other hand? Keep it busy?"   
"Okay," Josh breathed shakily and began stretching the red band across his fingers.

"So you've gone on a kitten adventure hey? Checking up on them?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Well I mean they're hardly kittens anymore, should see the size of Snowball! Practically a small horse. But to be honest I kinda prefer kittens when they get a bit older because that way they don't wriggle too much, far too much effort. I like them old and lazy so that way I can balance them on my head or make them do yoga."  
"Like, um, umm, our, uh, when we were kids, our old uh, old cat."  
"Juno? Aw I loved Juno, he was the best. He was a rescue cat, remember how his ear was all torn up?" Jordan reminded and distracted him.  
"Yeh,"  
"And he always used to bring us mice and snakes and rabbits, leave them outside our shared bedroom."   
"And, uh, carrots,"  
"Oh yeah! He used to eat carrots under the dinner table." The younger laughed and Josh sighed shakily as his tears dried.

"You okay?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Want me to come over?"  
"Are you at, uh, at college?" Josh asked.  
"No, I'm actually on a date."   
"Oh, oh, um, I'm so sorry,"   
"Don't be J, it's alright, I'll come if you need me."  
"No no, have fun."  
"Are you sure? You come first."  
"I'll, um, I'll be okay."

"What are you gonna do? Head back to Avalon or try see the cats?"  
"Cats."  
"Alright J, well done, want me to have a word with Ashley? Get her to call me again in 15 minutes for an update?"  
"I don't wanna interrupt your date."  
"Well I don't want you getting sick."  
"I'll just, um, can, can I call you?"  
"Absolutely. You call me as soon as you need me. Do you want me to come up with a code to tell Ashley you need to use her phone if you can't talk?"  
"I'll, um, I'll just cry I guess."  
"Should I tell her just to call me if you look upset?"  
"Okay." Josh agreed.

"Listen, Josh, I know these past few days have been worse than normal and I know you're panicking a lot recently, but I want you to know that you are going to get better. I know you think you're stuck in a hole right now and this is it, but that's not the case okay? You're in a new place and we both know that it takes time to settle. And just think, for the past 2 years you've had a strict daily schedule you had to stick to and now you've lost that structure, so of course you're anxious. It will get better, okay?"  
"Okay."  
"No matter what, I'm gonna be here. You're always stressing about interrupting my social life or school or whatever else I've got going on, but I need you to understand that I've got your back 100% and that won't ever change."  
"Thank you,"  
"I'm so proud of you Josh."  
"I love you,"  
"I love you too, so much more than you know. So please, call me if you need anything?"  
"Will do, and um, tell your date that they're not allowed to make a move without, without, my seal of approval."  
"Haha I will. Stay safe yeah?"  
"I'll try, thank you Jordan,"  
"No problem, bye,"  
"Bye."

"Done?" Ashley asked and Josh nodded then passed the phone back to her. "Still want me to run you back?"  
"No thank you, and uh, and thanks for letting me borrow your phone."  
"That's okay handsome. Need some more time or wanna head in now?"  
"I'm okay now." Josh nodded so they both climbed out of the car, Ashley walking round to his side.

"I know you don't do hugs with women, but can your fave sister wrap herself around your arm?"  
"Yeah,"  
"I love you J, and I'm sorry I don't always know what to say." She said quietly, snaking both her arms around the same arm that his tattooed tree found its home. He clenched his fist automatically but managed to force himself to turn and kiss the top of her ginger hair.

"Come on you, the kitties await." Ashley smiled then lead the way to her front door, pushing it open for him. She finally released her grip so that could close the door behind them, and Josh took a few steps down her hall. He slid off his shoes and put them on the rack, making sure they were equally pushed on. Next he considered taking off his jacket and hanging it up on the spare hook before remembering he was wearing a tee underneath and knew his scarred arms would scare his sisters.

Due to an overwhelming phobia of blood he had never once cut himself, a fact which came into use when he was denying self harming without actually lying. Instead he found alternative methods, usually involving burning with heat or chemicals. Everyone was very proud of the fact that he was over 4 months clean, but still Josh preferred to keep the warped skin covered up.

"Hey," Abi smiled as they entered the living room, white carpet soft beneath Josh's feet. He smiled, at least he thought he did, as he sat down on the carpet beside her and watched the fluffy kitten in her lap wiggle and roll over playfully.

"Josh do you want gloves today?"  
"Please." He nodded so Ashley left him alone with their younger sister to find a pair for him. They were Jordan's idea after Pumpkin accidentally nicked his finger with her claw 2 weeks ago and caused a small bubble of blood to form which first made Josh pass out and then triggered a flashback once he regained consciousness. Although he could almost convince himself that the gloves would protect him from scratches, in his heart he knew they were more to hide any potential cuts from Josh's eyes.

"How are you?"  
"I'm uh, I'm having a bad couple of days to be honest with you," Josh decided not to lie for a change.   
"Panic attacks?"  
"Yeah, and flashbacks."  
"Have you been taking your medication?"  
"I made a promise didn't I?" He tried to smile fondly at his baby sister.   
"Good, thank you. But they're not helping?"  
"Taking the edge off but not fixing everything."  
"Are you gonna go back into hospital again for a while?"  
"Not planning on." Josh shook his head.  
"I'd miss you if you got admitted, it's been so nice having the flexibility to do things like kitty sessions together, but at the end of the day you gotta keep getting better J."   
"I know. If I slip then I'll admit myself but right now I wanna keep trying from Avalon House." He outright lied and she bought it.

"Here we are Josh, and I brought some friends along too." Ashley reentered and passed him a pair of gloves before pulling two tiny kittens from her kangaroo pocket. Josh swore every time he visited she had adopted more and more smaller and smaller animals from the rescue shelter, but he wasn't complaining as he lifted a tabby onto his lap with his gloved hands and meowed at it.

"Hello cutie, I'm your Uncle Josh,"  
"That one's called Luna." Ashley explained as she sat opposite the pair and stroked the other kitten. "And this little munchkin is KitKat."  
"Hey guys," he smiled at the animals that couldn't be more than a few weeks old.

"Ashley's addicted I swear," Abi sighed with a smile.  
"How many are you up to now?"  
"8," she laughed, "but I'm married so technically I can't be a crazy cat lady."  
"I beg to differ," the younger woman teased and Josh laughed before turning his attention back to the fluffball squirming for attention in his lap. He gave her his finger to wrestle with and smiled as she investigated.

 

 

  
After Ashley and Abi dropped Josh off and signed him in, he made his way up the stairs and down the hall towards his apartment. There were four of them on the first level, Jason, Emma, Hannah and him. Just as he was about to put the key into his lock, he noticed Emma's door was open. She only ever did that when she was struggling.

Josh abandoned his plan to watch the bachelor and instead jogged over to her place, knocking his knuckles against the door but entering anyway.  
"Emma? Em are you okay? Em? Emma?"  
"Josh!" She gasped shocked when he went into her living room and saw her suddenly slam her laptop shut. He had caught a glance at the article she was reading and had instantly recognised the far too familiar headline. Fury swirled with the beginnings of a flashback as he snatched the computer off her and threw it across the room.

"Josh I'm so sorry,"  
"How could you?!" He screamed as he began to cry.  
"I'm so so sorry," she apologised profusely but he had already sunk to the floor and wrapped himself around his legs, knowing a flashback was coming.

  
_HOSTAGE SITUATION DISASTER, 16 DEAD_

_In the early hours of yesterday morning, 6 gunmen entered the bank on Northfield Street and took 7 members of staff and 2 members of the public hostage. Although many were able to flee, 3 customers were shot dead in the chaos._

_The branch was sealed off by police after 911 was called at 9.08am, an escaping mother of 3 telling the dispatcher that the gunmen were "brutal and merciless,"._

_Response and firearms officers contained the building._

_An eyewitness has told how men dressed in balaclavas burst into the bank armed with what he believed to be 9mm pistols whilst barking orders to get on the ground over the sound of screams._

_Police have released information saying that a negotiator was able to commence conversation by 10.35am, during which the hostage-taker revealed the price for the 9 hostages' release was $15 million with no room for compromise, and a fatal shot would be delivered every hour until the money was paid._

_The lead officer involved in the event, Commander Bradley Davis, issued a statement at 12.04pm saying that "Circumstances are critical but my team are highly trained to cope with the situation and I have faith that it can be resolved without any further casualties."_

_Another statement was issued at 15.30pm._

_"Our negotiator has been in contact with the hostage-takers continuously and I can confirm that the threat of hourly killings was not enforced, all 9 hostages are still alive. A deal is currently being worked on to permit the release of a pregnant member of the public. Our negotiator believes that her ejection is likely, and although we will continue to keep the press updated our main concern is the wellbeing of the hostages."_

_Only 24 minutes after the statement was given, the firing of a gun was heard and it was later confirmed that this shot killed the 5 month pregnant woman on impact._

_Police retaliated within minutes by storming the building and engaged in a firefight that lasted for 17 minutes whilst press were cleared from the area._

_The next update was not delivered until this morning, during which Commander Bradley Davis said the following._

_"Yesterday during the hostage situation which unfolded, unfortunately 12 good men and women lost their lives. 3 members of the public during the takeover, 8 hostages, and one police officer from this precinct were fatally injured. I'm truly saddened by the news, and my condolences go to their loved ones during these dark days. 4 of the 6 gunmen were also caught in the crossfire and died on scene, and the other 2 are being held in custody. Finally I must announce that 1 hostage, Joshua Dun, a member of the public, did survive the ordeal and is currently undergoing medical tests but I have been assured that he will make a full recovery."_


	6. San Francisco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, heavy, stay safe everyone <3 x

It was a Wednesday and I remember that the weather was good. We were going to San Francisco that afternoon, flying out at 3.20, to see some old friends of ours and we'd both booked a couple of days off work. Usually I have to be up and out by 7 and she's not far behind, so lay ins and expansive breakfasts were not a regular thing.

We shared a king size bed, her side was always the left and mine the right. Our duvet was a light turquoise colour with dark brown features swirling across, and it was reversible, the other side was the same but the colours were inverted. She preferred blue background up.

I remember her opening the curtains at maybe 8am and smiling to herself because the sun was shining, and I was smiling from the bed because it was reflecting off her face and she was practically glowing. She looked stunning. She said, today is gonna be a good day.

I offered to make her breakfast in bed, she was pregnant you see, and I was gonna make her my signature brownie pancakes. It's brownie mix but I turn it into a pancake batter, she loves- she loved it. But yeah, she was having cravings for this one dish from the diner we went to most weekends, so of course I agreed we should go.

She asked me to help her get dressed, pointed to the shirt and pants she wanted and of course I put them on her. I used to even when she wasn't pregnant, but the one thing she always stopped me attempting was her hair. Those hairbands, too fiddly for me. Also trying to smooth down the top without any of those little shark fin things? No I left that to her.

We decided to walk to the diner since it was such a lovely day, and we held hands. I could feel her engagement ring against my fingers and it made me smile, knowing that she was going to be my wife and soon the mother of my baby.

As we got closer I told her that I just needed to pop to the cash machine to grab some money for San Francisco and she remembered she had a cheque in her purse that she wanted to cash, so we decide to stop by the bank on the way.

It wasn't the bank I usually used but we'd opened a joint account there only weeks before and I was honestly excited to use the card with both our names on whilst she spoke to the cashier behind the counter, then suddenly there was a crash and my new wad of cash fell to the floor as my head whipped round.

Chaos ensued. I heard stampedes of people fleeing for the doors and what sounded like glass smashing and the piercing echoes of gunshots but all I could hear was Debby's screams.

As soon as I could locate where she was, I lurched forwards in a desperate attempt to grab her and run but was immediately stopped in my tracks by the butt of a gun colliding with my temple.

 

I woke up and the first thing I noticed was the sniffles of Debby, and the second was the tight zip ties pinning my hands together behind my back and digging into my skin with a pinch that made my fingers tingle numbly. Slowly my vision turned from black to fuzz to burning searing brightness of the lights above me. I blinked away the stars but instantly wished they'd cloud my vision again when they focused on the glaring eyes of my captor inches from my face.

"Hey there sunshine, wakey wakey time," he snarled and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. "I'm gonna tell you how this works one time and one time only. If you scream, if you make a noise, if you move a single inch then I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking head. If you disobey me, if you try anything, if you even fucking look at me then I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking head. If I don't like you, I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking head, understand?" The masked man growled and forced me to nod by burying his gun deep under the bottom of my jaw and pushing my head back.

He eventually removed the barrel from my neck and walked away, and finally I was able to look around the room. I saw maybe 6 or 7 bank workers dressed in uniform and zip tied up but I ignored them and frantically searched for Debby with tears threatening to fall. At last we met eyes and the fear in hers caused mine to stream.

I knew if I tried to talk, to cry out to her, then the results would be potentially fatal, so instead I held eye contact and watched as she slowly and slightly nodded that both her and the baby were okay. I'm not sure whether it was relief or terror or concern over the scrape on her otherwise perfect face or maybe the amalgamation of all 3 but suddenly a sob escaped my lips.

"We got ourselves a blubber," one of the men jeered whilst another laughed before digging into his pocket and walking towards me. My first thought was immediately he was reaching for a gun and was about to shoot me so I desperately tried to scurry backwards by scraping my heals into the carpet I'd been thrown on, but the balaclava-wearing man instead revealed a roll of duct tape. He grabbed my ankle harshly and yanked me forwards a meter before punching me hard in the face. I knew crying would make it worse but I couldn't help it as the pain throbbed and my eye began to swell.

He, um, he ripped a strip of tape off then grabbed me by the hair and slapped it across my mouth. After that he wound the roll round and round my ankles then moved further up and taped me just above my knees too so I couldn't move. I thought he was done then suddenly he pinched my nose closed and I couldn't breathe but he just left me to struggle and squirm as I got more and more desperate.

"Do you want to die?" He asked me and I shook my head no when he finally let go of my nose and I could heave a breath into my burning lungs. "Man up. Cry again and you'll be getting worse than a black eye."

He stood up and walked away from me but my heart didn't stop racing as my tongue pressed against the tape now blocking my mouth. The captor, one of four in the room, didn't immediately rejoin the others and stopped in front of one of the female bank workers, taping her up the same way he had done to me. But my attention wasn't on her, it was on Debby.

I wasn't sure whether she was sure nobody was looking but she mouthed I love you and I tried my best to do the same but my lips tore against the foul tasting tape and I couldn't, and I felt my heartbreak again as tears rolled down her face as she looked at me.

More desperately than I had ever wanted anything before, I wanted to be able to hold her in my arms and promise her that we were going to be okay, but I couldn't. Yes I couldn't because I was taped and tied up, but more than that I couldn't because I didn't know whether it was true.

The man with the tape stood up after beating the woman and in spite of the mask, I could see the fury. He stood shoulders and feet wide with his chest puffed, glaring across at the semi circled row of hostages.

"Listen to me, LISTEN TO ME!" He screeched, gun emerging from his pocket and pointing towards each of them in erratic jabs. "I don't wanna fucking kill you, if you're dead then we don't get the fucking money we deserve. Boss says we've gotta keep you alive, but fuck that, you're fucking pissing me off the lot of you! All this crying, this trying to back away, this patheticness. I don't wanna fucking kill you but there are already 3 bodies stacked next door and I'm not afraid to add to the pile. I will do it, rest assured, I've already killed today and I will do it again. Enough with the weakness, or I'll shoot your fucking brains out."

With that the man left the room, followed by another of the masked men and leaving the 9 hostages with 2 ever watching white eyeballed men. I instantly turned my attention back to my fiancé and watched helplessly as tears rolled down her face. The fear she was displaying made my stomach drop more than having a gun pressed against my throat. Her wellbeing was more important than my own and I always valued her life over mine.

I wanted to try and signal to her that I love her but the words of the assailant still rattled in my pulsing skull, a constant orb of fear that was growing and growing by the second. At first when I awoke to the gun in my throat I hadn't quite comprehended the severity of the situation, but it was soon becoming apparent that this was actually happening.

These men, these hostage takers, they were murderers. They'd killed people before and I had no way to reason with myself that they wouldn't again. I began to panic and hyperventilate through my nose as it dawned on me that I could actually die at any moment and my fiancé would be here to witness as my brains decorated the walls.

"Settle down, settle down, we're in here for the long haul." One of the men told me, walking over and ripping the duct tape from my mouth, but I didn't trust the supposedly reassuring words coming from the small slit in the mask he wore. This man made my skin crawl and my heart pound even more than the one who had taped me in the first place. At least I knew his incentive, he was trying and succeeding to scare me, but this one had no reason to be nice to me and set my mind racing.

"I'm not gonna kill you, he might, but I won't." He said, walking around the room and gesturing towards the door the other man had exited through. "You can call me Jack, it's not ma name but you can call me it."  
"Are you the good cop? Is that how this works?" One of the bankers asked bitterly and Jack laughed.  
"Haha you're funny, I like you, Glenn will shoot you in the fucking head if he hears you speak to me like that, but he's a tad aggressive."  
"You're sick."  
"Perhaps a little, but soon I'm gonna be a fucking rich sick bastard." He laughed again and I could sense the fear in the air.

The two guards, Jack and the one who hadn't moved since I regained consciousness, watched us closely but I knew something more important was happening outside. Maybe more hostages, maybe more bodies, maybe a line to the police to discuss our release. But I told myself not to get my hopes up, just to take things second by second and not end up with anymore bruises or tapings.

"Let's get to know each other, you, what's your name?" Jack asked, an unsteady undertone in his voice as he pointed to the furthest bank worker, who didn't answer. "I said what's your name, what's your name, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!"  
"Stephen." He squeaked when Jack suddenly pulled a gun on him and revealed how truly unstable he was. I only watched with horror as the man pressed the barrel deep into Stephen's forehead, tears falling from the hostage's squeezed eyes. It didn't take much of a stretch of the imagination to guess what was going through his head. I was thinking the same thing, I'm gonna die.

"Stephen I don't like you. You know why I don't like you?"  
"Yes," he whispered.  
"Oh you do do you?! You're a fucking know it all?! Know what I'm thinking?!"  
"I'm s-sorry,"  
"I don't like you Stephen, you're rude." Jack said, then suddenly kicked the man in the stomach. Despite the fact I was almost on the opposite side of the room I could still see how hard the foot collided with his stomach and how much pain radiated across his face. And it was at that moment I knew that Jack was so much worse than the first guy. He was unstable and unpredictable and fucking scary.

"Alright everybody, because Stephen's been so fucking disrespectful, we're gonna have a whole class punishment. Watch closely Stevey, this is because of you." Jack announced then moved to the person tied up next to Stephen and kicked him in the stomach too, and then the next, and the next until suddenly he was lifting his leg to kick Debby.

"Stop! She's pregnant asshole!" I blurted before fully thinking through the consequences.   
"What was that sunshine?" He asked, walking over to me and scratching the back of his head with the handgun before pointing it towards me with a glint in his eye that I didn't trust.  
"I, I, I, said she's pregnant."  
"Not that bit, the other bit."   
"Asshole," I whispered terrified, truly believing I was about to die. I shut my eyes tight and braced for what I believed to be the inevitable, pushing aside the questions of whether I'd achieved what I'd wanted from my short time.

"Please, please, don't kill him," Debby sobbed.  
"What's your name?"  
"De-debby," she cried and I was able to open my eyes for her, see how Jack's attention was back on her.  
"And you?"  
"Josh,"  
"Josh I don't like you."  
"P-please, he, he, he was looking out for the baby,"   
"A baby, she's having a baby Josh, it's a miracle!" Jack said delighted, eyes too wide. "She's bringing a new little life into the universe, its magical, and you had to SPOIL it with a nasty word like that?!"  
"I'm sorry," I said terrified, knowing a bullet could find its home in my skull at any moment.

"Debby, beautiful angel child baring Debby, let's get you off the floor." Jack grinned through the mask, walking towards her and pulling a flick knife from his pocket that only made my heart race more. He shoved his gun away and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her to her feet in a manner far too rough for my liking. She looked at me, sobbing terrified, as he walked behind her and slit the zip tie off her wrists.

"Please, don't hurt her,"   
"Goddess angel, let me kiss you." Jack said, barely a question, as he knelt down in front of my fiancé and pulled her shirt up to reveal the bump. If I could move a single one of my limbs then I would have beat the shit out of him, but no, instead I had to watch as the assailant pressed his disgusting lips against her skin with a knife still in one hand whilst she cried.

"Has he got a name?"  
"No," she whimpered.  
"Call him Jack," he laughed borderline manically and Debby looked at me with so much fear in her eyes and I was completely useless.

"Who's its daddy?"  
"Josh," Debby answered as he stood, desperately covering herself back up with the shirt I had dressed her in only a few hours ago.  
"Awww, we got ourselves a couple, ain't that sweet."  
"What are you going to do to me?" She broke down into sobs and I had to bite lip to stop myself following in her tracks.

"Oh heavenly angel, oh dear dear angel gracing us all, I won't hurt you, don't be afraid." Jack told her, running his hand through her hair as she cried. "Shhh, don't be afraid, don't be afraid, Jack Jack's gonna take care of you,"  
"Please, please, let us go,"  
"I'm not going to do that angel, but how about a chair for the blessed mother? Or a walk? I'll show you the way round the bank, give us some private time together, I'll make sure we avoid all the bodies,"  
"You're not taking her anywhere." I couldn't resist interrupting, totally terrified for her wellbeing.

"Aw look at him, he's so cute when he's angry," Jack teased, wrapping his arm around my fiancé and facing me. "Like a little pitbull, all riled up."   
"Please," she hiccuped.  
"Well what do you want angel? Beautiful blessing darling sweetheart?"  
"Please, can I just sit with him, please,"  
"Seriously? You want him? Look how pathetic and weak he is, why would you want to sit on the ground with these scumbags when you could walk with me?"  
"Please,"  
"What the lady wants, the lady gets." Jack said, holding her hand forcefully and walking her over to me then helping her to sit down. Only once he stepped away did she nestle herself into my chest and cry and cry and cry. I so desperately wanted to stroke her hair or rub her back but my arms were pinned behind me and all I had to comfort her with was my words.

I whispered to her about everything and anything, told her how we'd be in San Francisco soon and we'd be moaning about the hills and laughing over dinner. I reminded her of her mother coming to visit a few days after we returned, talked to her about what was worth watching on TV, listened as she too filled the silence with her voice.

It went on for hours.

We couldn't always talk though, sometimes Jack would be screaming and kicking the other hostages, sometimes the gun would make appearances and that sense of imminent danger reappeared, and sometimes there was nothing to say.

One of the scariest moments for me was when the masked man I learned to know was the boss came in, and was instantly outraged by Debby's lack of restraints. He marched towards us and for a second I feared the worst and braced myself for the fall, but at the last moment Jack swooped in and explained why he had cut her free. The boss immediately left the room and went back to the phone line we had also learned linked our captors to the police outside. Truthfully it gave me no sense of reassurance.

It was only 20 minutes later when the boss reentered. Jack, the fucking psychopath, had been head butting a worker called Andre but immediately stopped to stand with his fellow mask wearing men. There were 5 of them, the most I had seen at once, and they were glaring at us specifically.

"Princess, today is your lucky day," Boss snarled with a southern twang. "The Feds have made us a deal and you're outta here. As for the rest of you fuckers, you gotta keep cooking a while longer. Lady, let's go."   
"W-what?"  
"You heard me, you're free to go."   
"What about J?"  
"What about him?! Come on, time's a tickin," he tutted impatiently.

"Debby go okay darling? I'll see you really soon I promise."  
"You promise?"  
"I promise." I told her as she looked at me with sad tears in her eyes and down her cheeks. "You gotta go sweetie, gotta get yourself and the little one checked out, gotta change our flights to San Francisco to tomorrow."  
"I don't want to leave you," she wept.  
"I'll be okay, I'm gonna be just fine, do you trust me?"  
"Y-yeah,"  
"Then trust that I'll be home in no time."  
"O-o-kay,"  
"Just, um, just look after yourself and the baby, and never forget I love you both." I said, losing control of my tear ducts for the countless time that day.  
"I, I, I, I, l-love y-you,"

"Come on Lady, I ain't got all day," Boss complained and I knew it was time for her to leave. Time to walk out that door and potentially out of my short life. But I couldn't show her how afraid I truly was, couldn't say a final goodbye, it would break her. So instead I smiled.

"See you later,"  
"S-ssee, y-you l-l-later," she sobbed, stroking my face before finally standing up and shuffling towards the men timidly. I couldn't bare to watch her walk out, so I looked down at my legs and less than a second later that was where she fell. The sound of the gun being fired echoed in my skull but it didn't make sense, it didn't add up, it didn't correspond. She, she was supposed to be leaving, a-and now she was on my legs and she was bleeding.

I was frozen, unable to even move my eyes, but in spite of that I could see the deep red liquid that spread from the back of her head and soaked my pants, creeping up and creeping up and creeping up. She was looking at me, eyes staring straight ahead unblinking, and a small entrance wound seeped in the middle of her forehead. They had shot her in the head and she was looking at me, looking at me and begging for help with those big round eyes but I couldn't help because she was dead. She was dead and I was screaming.


	7. A Walk In The Park

"Do you want to go outside today? Maybe try the store again?" Jordan suggested but Josh just shook his head no, playing with the belt of his dressing gown rather than watching Ellen. He was exhausted and drained and honestly wanted to spend the whole day under the covers in his bed, but had caved when Jordan persuaded him to migrate to the couch. Still he kept the duvet wrapped around him though.

"Have you got any private sessions or groups today?"  
"I'm, uh, I'm supposed to see the senior nurse for a review later but I dunno," he shrugged.  
"Don't wanna go?"  
"Not really,"  
"Why not?"  
"Can't be bothered."  
"Is it cause of what happened yesterday? Think they'll send you back to hospital?" Jordan asked.  
"No, it's Emma's fault not mine,"  
"Exactly, you can't blame yourself okay Josh? She triggered you, it's not your fault you lashed out, you weren't in control." He reassured his brother, who had smashed Emma's laptop and shoved her to the ground.

"I just, it was none of her business, you know? Like why did she have to go nosing into what I already told her not to?"  
"Because she was being insensitive Josh, I don't think she was trying to hurt you but at the same time she shouldn't have gone snooping."  
"Now she's gonna look at me the same way all the rest do."  
"Which is sympathetic, and you deserve sympathy J,"  
"Sympathy doesn't bring her back," he sighed quietly, leaning back against the couch and trying not to get upset.

"Can we go out please?"  
"Josh I'm not gonna take you if you're just doing it so you can abscond and jump in front of a car."  
"I won't."  
"That's what you said last time." Jordan warned and Josh's heart sunk. "If you wanna go for a walk then I'm more than happy to go with you, I just want to make sure you're safe."  
"I'll be safe I promise."  
"And if I think it's time to come back then you'll listen to me?"  
"Yeah," Josh nodded.  
"What time do you need to be back to see the senior nurse?"  
"2pm so I've got 3 hours."  
"Well we need to leave time for you to eat, but we'll see how far we get yeah?"  
"Thank you,"

"And you think you're gonna be okay?"  
"I'm never okay,"  
"You're down today J, don't deny it, so-"  
"I'll get stronger antidepressants,"  
"If you think meds will help then I'll go see your psychiatrist with you, but I was thinking maybe you wanna talk to me? I'm not a therapist but I am your brother and I love you Josh, I wanna help anyway I can."  
"You can't fix me,"  
"You're not broken." Jordan responded and Josh scoffed.

"You're not. If you don't wanna talk then that's okay, I'll help you get dressed instead," the younger continued.  
"I'm uh, I'm, I'm just tired you know?"  
"As in not sleeping well or as in a tired that doesn't go away with sleep?"  
"Well I don't sleep well, I haven't slept through the night since it happened, but it's more than that. I'm just tired of being like this."  
"Yeah," Jordan listened.  
"Like 3 years ago I had my future all planned out, I got engaged, I made that promotion at work, we were trying for a baby, I knew what life was gonna look like vaguely. And now? Fuck, I don't even know if I'm gonna last another year of this bullshit."  
"You will."  
"But do I want to?" Josh asked himself rhetorically.

"Are you suicidal Josh?" Jordan asked a minute later and Josh took a long moment to properly contemplate his answer.  
"Passively, not actively."  
"What does that mean?"  
"I'm not gonna kill myself, like I'm not thinking seriously about how I'm gonna go about doing it, it's more just a constant backup plan in the back of my mind. Like something I could fall back on if it got too much."  
"And is it too much?"  
"I guess not, I mean I don't have anything planned." He shrugged.

"You're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for." Jordan looked across at him with a slight look of admiration on his face.  
"S'not true."  
"Yes it is J, just think about how far you've come okay? You have been through so much fucking bullshit, and yet you can sit here and hold a conversation with me."  
"Other people can do that without blinking twice."  
"Other people haven't gone through what you've gone through." Jordan said. "I remember when you didn't speak for 4 months, you remember that?"  
"Course."  
"You being able to go from that shell who didn't talk or eat or sleep and had to be fed through a tube and be put in restraints daily to now not even living in hospital at all and being independent enough to have your own apartment is the same as your average person walking to the moon without a suit. Not all challenges are equal, you can't judge everyone on the same achievements when there's not a level playing field in the first place. No you're not great in public yet but I can guarantee that you've achieved more than any of the people who walk past you whilst you're out there."

 

 

"Are you cold?"  
"Bit."  
"Wanna head back? Or find a coffee shop or somewhere if you're up to it?" Jordan asked as Josh pulled his sleeves over his knuckles and played with a tangle whilst sitting on the park bench after a half hour walk.  
"Where are we?"  
"The park, did you blank?"  
"No no, I know we're in the park, I-I'm okay, I just don't know where we are, I blocked out routes and stuff."  
"Oh okay, well there's a coffee shop called Mama B's over there, then that's the main shopping street with McDonald's and a bunch of other stores, urmm, church is that way, there's an elementary school over there and St George's children's hospital is on that street." Jordan pointed for him.

"Where's Ty's house? That's near the hospital isn't it?"  
"Yep, like a 2 minute walk that way from here."  
"Can we go see him?"  
"You wanna see him?" Jordan echoed in shock.  
"Yeah,"  
"Sure Josh? You weren't feeling great this morning, had quite a few flashbacks this week, maybe it's best to get you settled today."  
"I'm fine,"  
"Well that's good, let's try and keep it that way yeah? See if we can go panic attack free?"  
"I wanna see Ty, please, I can do it."  
"Hmm," Jordan hummed whilst thinking it through. "You said Monday was hard."  
"But I did it without having a flashback."  
"True. What about your appointment with the senior nurse?"  
"It's 2 hours away, I, I won't stay that long I promise."  
"And you'll let me take control if I need to?"  
"Yes," Josh nodded, feeling almost excited to see his friend. In a way he felt like a little kid asking his mom for a play date whilst playing with a fiddly toy, but no, childhood innocence was the last thing he had.

"Alright J, let's do this,"  
"Seriously? Thank you," Josh smiled as the pair stood up and the younger lead the way down the street.

"So what are you gonna do if you get upset or triggered?"  
"Breathing exercises first, stimming second, pacing third, stepping outside fourth, leaving fifth." He recited, knowing his coping strategies better than anything.  
"Good, and do you need any help coming up with some conversations topics for you and Ty to discuss?"  
"I've uh, I've got my go-to list thanks, but it's Ty. He's my best friend, it'll be okay,"  
"Yeah, it's all gonna be fine." Jordan reassured him.

"Do you think he still likes me?"  
"Definitely." He nodded as they crossed the street.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes Josh, I'm sure. He used to visit you every single week when you were in hospital, usually more, of course he likes you and he cares about you and he wants you getting better."  
"But he doesn't visit anymore."  
"Because you're not in hospital anymore J, there's no set visiting times or schedule or anything. He's giving you settling in time, but the moment you invite him round I'll guarantee he'll be there."  
"Maybe."

"Want me to knock?"  
"Please." Josh nodded once they arrived at his best friend's doorstep, him concentrating on his tangle whilst Jordan knocked the black door three times. It took longer than he'd like for the familiar face to open the door, smiling down at the pair. Tyler had a pair of basketball shorts and a huge hoodie on, hood drowning his head and hiding the majority of his hair that Josh could tell he had shaven off since their last encounter.

Tyler was a nurse down at the children's hospital who worked the night shift. Tyler was also a horrible insomniac. He worked 11pm till 7am and occasionally stole a few hours sleep in the morning but more often than not he was lounging around the house playing music and waiting for Jenna to come home before heading back off to work again. And 4 hours of sleep every third day didn't make for the healthiest of lifestyles but it was the one he was stuck with, and he made do.

"Oh look who it is, my two favourite J-Duns, come in come in,"  
"Thanks man," Jordan replied as they entered, following the hooded house owner down the hall.  
"Excuse the mess, wasn't expecting guests,"  
"Sorry for the intrusion, J wanted to swing by and say hi,"  
"You did? Oh that's nice, right back at you bud. Can I grab anyone a drink?" Tyler asked once they arrived in the kitchen.  
"Coffee sounds perfect."  
"Coming right up, Josh?"  
"You don't have to," Jordan reassured him quietly when he couldn't decide.  
"I, uh, I don't suppose maybe you've got anymore of that drink from Monday? The nice one?" Josh's asked timidly.  
"Sprite?"  
"Yeh, diet sprite."  
"Course." Ty smiled then flicked the kettle on and got out two mugs for himself and Jordan before getting a can of sprite and a glass and sliding them into Josh's hand across the island.

"So what brings you to my neck of the woods?"  
"Went for a walk, in the, uh, in the park?" Josh replied whilst Jordan opened and poured his can for him. "Thanks."  
"No problem, and yeh, we stopped up on the benches and Josh decided he'd like to pay you a visit."  
"Well you're always welcome." Tyler smiled as the kettle boiled and he poured the water over the instant coffee before stirring and passing one cup across to Jordan.

"Why are you an egg?" Josh asked quietly but with a small smile.  
"Oi!" He complained with a laugh whilst pulling off the hood and running his hand over the smooth skin. "One of the kids last night needed her hair shaved for brain surgery and she was scared of the clippers so I let her shave mine first."  
"Such a saint," Jordan teased.  
"I try, I try," Tyler laughed, "But yeah, Jen hasn't seen it yet, what do you reckon?"  
"Man sacrifices his hair for the sake of a petrified sick child, ooh I dunno Ty, if I were you I'd start packing your things."  
"Hahaha probably for the best."

"I like it."  
"Thank you Jishwa," he smiled at the other brother. "But enough about me, how are you two?"  
"Yeah I'm good thanks, really good." Jordan answered then looked over at Josh to evaluate whether he needed to answer for him too, but Josh was in the company of his best friend and he could dig deep enough to stay on top of things.  
"I'm okay, had an up-down week but so far so good today, touch wood." He answered truthfully to everyone's delight, touching the wooden fruit bowl with a small smile.

"That's awesome, I'm happy for you both."  
"How about you? Slept this month?" Jordan asked.  
"Eugh, feels like it's that long at times. Got 3 and a half hours Thursday morning so I'm good for now."  
"Dude it's Saturday."  
"He'll sleep again tomorrow." Josh replied, knowing Ty's timetable as such.  
"Yep, another 24 hours to go."  
"I don't get it, like I'm cranky if I get less than 12 hours a night." Jordan sighed, shaking his head.  
"Eh, you get used to it." Ty shrugged.  
"Plus he's got super powers." Josh added.  
"Oh yeah, and that."

Tyler was about to say something else when suddenly Jordan's phone rang, spooking Josh a little.  
"Can I answer it? It's Saf,"  
"Yeh." Josh nodded, so Jordan accepted the call and stepped out of the room, leaving Josh and Ty alone.

"Who's Saf?" He asked, sitting next to Josh who was carefully sipping his sprite.  
"Safiya, girlfriend."  
"Naw likkle Jordy's got himself a girl, cute. Have you given her the 'if you hurt my brother I'll hurt you' talk yet?"  
"No but her brother gave Jord the same talk."  
"Have you met her?"  
"Kinda. When I was in hospital I used to Skype Jordan all the time and she was there on a couple of occasions so we've talked and stuff, but never met in person."  
"What's she like?"  
"Funny, yeah, really funny, and gorgeous too. Um, she's sweet, like Jordan told her about the incident and she's been really good about it with me but with him too. She takes good care of him and that's probably what I'm most pleased by, like he deserves someone to take care of him for a change. So yeah, thumbs up from me."  
"Bless, she sounds amazing."

"They met at college, been together about 6 7 months or something."  
"And how come this is the first I've heard of it? Nah just kidding J, I'm happy for all of you,"  
"Me too-"  
"J we gotta go, I'm really sorry," Jordan rushed back in, panic on his face.  
"Huh?"  
"Saf's sister got knocked down by a car, she's gonna be okay but Saf's freaking out and I really need to go see her. Sorry I know we only just got here and you wanted to spend time with Ty but I need to quickly take you back so I can go to her, sorry,"  
"Oh,"  
"I am sorry,"  
"No no, it's fine, okay," Josh said, climbing off the chair.

"Well hang on a second, where's the sister? St George's?" Tyler asked.  
"Yeh,"  
"It's literally a 5 minute walk from here, opposed to a 40 minute round trip to go via Avalon House. If you're comfortable with it Josh then you're more than welcome to stay here with me."  
"I can take you home J, I want for both you and Saf to be okay but I'm not gonna choose her over you. I'm more than happy to take you back."  
"I wanna stay here."  
"Sure? Want to talk to me next door and make sure that this is properly in your best interest?"  
"Please Jord, it's Ty, you know he'll look after me." Josh pleaded but he knew from Jordan's expression that he wasn't convinced. So rather than being honest and saying that he was trusting his gut that he'd be fine with Ty, he went for a method that he knew Jordan would cave over.

"If you take me back to the house then I'm gonna be alone, and worse than that I'm gonna be alone worrying myself sick over Asiya and you and Saf. Please, don't leave me by myself."  
"Okay, you're right, but you're gonna be okay here?"  
"Yeh,"  
"And I'm just up the street, I'll pop back every half hour to check on you."  
"You don't have to do that."  
"But I wanna make sure you're okay Josh,"  
"I'll get Ty to call you, please, just go be with Saf and Asiya, I'll be fine,"  
"Promise?"  
"100%."  
"And Ty, you're definitely awake enough to watch out for him?"  
"Jordan calm down okay? It's all gonna be fine. J's my best friend and he's not gonna get hurt because he's bloody strong and I'm here, awake enough, if he slips. Your girlfriend's sister is gonna be fine because I know the doctors there, I work there and it's the best hospital around, they'll take good care of her. Saf's gonna calm down once she sees that her sister is getting better, and you just need to calm yourself down. It's gonna be fine." Tyler told him matter of fact.  
"Yeah, sorry, you're right. Look, I love you J, I'll see you really soon and I'll call Ty with updates."  
"I love you too, tell Asiya and Saf I love them as well."  
"Will do, bye,"  
"Bye," Josh waved, and with that Jordan was gone.

"You okay?"  
"Yeah." He nodded truthfully, even surprising himself.  
"The littleone, Asiya, she'll be alright." Tyler reassured him and he believed every word he said.

"Wanna do something? Distraction?"  
"Okay."  
"I was playing MarioKart till you guys turned up, fancy a crack at that?"  
"You mean it's time for me to prepare to lose." Josh sighed with a smile, picking up his Sprite and following his friend out of the kitchen and into the familiar living room next door.

They'd spent many a night on the couch together, talking about life or whatever else they wanted. It wasn't his first time back to the house since his hospitalisation, he'd been there on day-leave probably a dozen times and felt quite at home there. He had predominantly warm feelings towards the piece of furniture he sat down on, and yet nostalgia always brought up memories of what he had lost that he quickly scrambled to push down again.

"New scrubs?" Josh asked as Tyler began switching to multiplayer, referring to the uniform hanging up on the back of the door. Ordinarily he wore blue scrubs covered in cartoon animals but instead had a grey pair up with a Peter Pan pattern.  
"Yep. New ward, new scrubs."  
"New ward? Thought you loved the emergency department?"  
"I do, well, I did," he said, sitting down next to Josh. "My boss decided that the ED was too high intensity, the pace too fast for me considering my sleeping situation."  
"You've worked there 5 years and it's never been a problem before."  
"Exactly, but oh well, over on the neuro ward now." Tyler sighed.  
"How's that? Aren't all the kids asleep?"  
"Yep pretty much. You get your odd couple who haven't got a regular sleep schedule or are in pain or having seizures or delirious or similar but it's mostly just sitting around waiting for something to happen."  
"Fun." Josh rolled his eyes, feeling genuinely bad for his friend who had previously adored his career.

"Doesn't really help with the whole insomnia thing, doesn't exactly wear me out or change up my daytime routine of sitting around."  
"Any chance of going back to the ED?"  
"He said if I start sleeping every day then he'd consider me for trial, but that ain't gonna happen."  
"Yeah, like thanks Doc, now you've said that suddenly I'm cured, problem solved." Josh laughed a little sadly. "I've had that a fair few times myself - why don't you try staying calm today? Oh thanks, I never thought of that, cheers."  
"Yep." Tyler laughed.

"Could always lie, say you're sleeping."  
"You're much more of a thug than me." Tyler smiled. "Might just get another job or something."  
"Quit? And what, work at the general hospital instead?"  
"No no, like get a part time day job on top. Just something to do in the afternoon whilst Jen's working."  
"Don't overwork yourself Ty."  
"I won't, could just do with the money I guess."  
"You've got money troubles?"  
"No we're okay, but it's always nice to have a little extra in the bank in case any big costs crop up in the near future."  
"Fair enough." He shrugged.

"Right, we gonna keep nattering like a pair of old ladies or are we gonna play MarioKart like men?" Tyler grinned, picking up a controller and passing it across to Josh.

Despite Tyler's kidding, they did continue to talk throughout the first race and the second and the third and the fourth and so on. They talked through the game and soon the controllers were forgotten but the ease of conversation was not. They talked and talked, straight through when Josh's appointment was supposed to be, straight through the hours that Jordan was gone and even talked for a while once Jordan returned, eventually stopping when Josh had to go home because the sun was about to set.

Only once Josh settled down onto his own couch did he realise the enormity of what he had just done. He had spoken, independently, with a friend for close to 6 hours and hadn't had a single panic attack. Unsure of the exact reason, nostalgia, exhaustion, pride, Josh burst into tears and cried with a smile on his face because he had done it, he had done it.


	8. A Life of my Own

Josh quite liked Saturdays, on the grand scale of things he would give it a solid 7 out of 10, maybe even push the boat out and go up to 7.5 if the sun was out. Something about it being the weekend gave the house a buzz of positive energy, which was weird considering none of them worked except Jason and the nurses didn't work conventional weeks, so in reality it was no different from any other day, but Josh wasn't going to pick apart positivity. Instead usually he'd ride the wave and join in with the group activity that he usually opted out of every other morning.

Except this Saturday was different because when Josh woke up his head was pounding and spinning with such intensity that even propping himself up caused him to audibly wince. He immediately crashed back down onto the pillow, a wave of nausea making breakfast unappealing even if his vision stopped spinning enough to let him walk.

Of course his mind's first reaction was that he was dying some horrible death as a result of karma, but even once he managed to subdue those thoughts, he was still stuck with the reality that he was practically trapped in his bed. He was trapped, unable to move without throwing up, and had no way of contacting anyone so that meant he was trapped in there forever with no way to seek help and nobody would know what happened and eventually he'd die alone in pain and his family would find his body and-

"Josh? Checks."  
"Hannah!" He cried out in a voice that was probably no louder than a whisper but still rang in his overly sensitive ears and worsened his headache.   
"Morning darling, breakfast is almost done, wanna head down with me and grab some cereal?" The nurse smiled as she entered his bedroom, bright light stinging and earning a hiss.  
"Hannah my head hurts,"  
"Your head?"  
"And, a-and I feel sick and dizzy."  
"Alright sweetheart, now, is it an anxiety headache?"  
"No! It's real!"  
"Josh, Josh I'm not saying that it's not," she calmed down his huff. "Did you headbang? Hit it against the wall repeatedly?"  
"No,"  
"Okay, do you get migraines Josh?"  
"I, I don't think so," he whispered.   
"I think you've probably just got a headache then darling, it'll go away, and if you'd like then you can stay in bed till that happens."  
"All day?"  
"If that's what you want then yeah." She nodded but Josh didn't know what he wanted, all he knew was it hurt.

"Would you like me to get you some paracetamol?"  
"What's that?"  
"You don't remember? It's painkiller darling, it should help."  
"Is, is it gonna give me side effects like the antipsychotics? I didn't, I didn't like that."  
"It shouldn't have any side effects."  
"Um, okay then? Please,"  
"Coming right up. And I'm gonna grab you some fruit and water too because you need to stay hydrated and fed."  
"I like apples."  
"Apples you shall have then my darling, be back in a minute." She smiled then left him alone in his room.

Josh didn't like being alone. Granted, he didn't especially like being around people either, but he didn't trust himself to be alone. Something about having sole responsibility for keeping in control of his actions was a lot of pressure and, even though he didn't have urges, he couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed. Trust didn't seem like this great honour that everyone tried to tell him it was. He didn't like being on 1:1 supervision because he was self conscious of doing the wrong thing and making a fool of himself, but at least he felt safe that way. There was just no winning.

With a pained sigh he rolled over and pulled the covers back over his shoulders, brushing his ear. Headaches were the worst. Yes the ongoing pounding of his temples thumped and throbbed, but worse than that, it was a reminder. Unsure of whether he was grasping at straws or it was a valid trigger, but his beloved fiancé had been killed by a bullet to the brain and this sharp pain was incomparable and yet so so comparable.

He didn't know why he always did this to himself, scoured at everything until he found a link, and yet he knew exactly why he did this to himself. If he stopped looking for her in everything, stopped remembering her, then she was well and truly gone. For now she was alive in his memory, but if he let that slip then she's lost forever.

"Oh Josh, is the pain that bad?" Hannah asked as she returned to find him crying.  
"S'not, s'not that," he whimpered tearfully.  
"Alright sweetie, let me pop this stuff down then I'll grab a chair and we can talk." She replied, putting down a glass of water, 3 apples, his usual morning meds and a strip of extra pills on his bedside table then left the room. Josh sniffed and wiped his face, trying to decide to what degree it was safe to talk and what would be too far and push him into a flashback.

"So what's going on?" Hannah asked, returning with a chair from his living room and settling close but not too close to him.  
"I, I, I'm just being silly,"  
"It's okay to be silly Josh, but you're not right now, you're upset."   
"Yeh,"  
"Is it over Emma? The incident with the article on her laptop? Because Louise told me you didn't go and talk to her about it yesterday like you agreed."  
"I was out, with, with Tyler, I forgot,"  
"Did you have fun with him?"  
"Lots."  
"Well that's a valid reason to skip the review, don't worry, but we do need to talk about it at some point."  
"O-okay,"  
"If you're anxious or worried then I'll go with you too, but just know that you're not in trouble. She wants to talk about how to make it easier for you here, not tell you off for your reaction."  
"Yeh," he sniffed, ignoring the tears coating his cheeks.

"But that's not what's upsetting you, is it?"  
"No,"  
"Do you wanna talk about it Josh?"  
"I, I dunno,"  
"Well if you wanna say or ask something but don't want to give context then that's okay, you don't have to explain every little detail."

"I just, I dunno what I'm doing," Josh decided to say.   
"Now or in the long term?"  
"Longterm. All, all the people around me, they've, um, they've got lives and plans and futures and I'm just here."  
"Mmm," she listened.  
"Like, I uh, I rely on everyone so much and, and I don't see how that's gonna change."  
"You don't?"  
"No,"  
"I think you probably said the same thing when you first went into hospital, and yet here you are."  
"Plateaued. I'm not getting any better, I'm not improving anymore."  
"When I was a kid my mom used to diet and she always used to say that the last few pounds were the hardest, I think everyone says that. The last little bit is the hardest. The last bit of your recovery, this final push is the toughest but it doesn't mean you can't do it." Hannah said and Josh listened, evaluating what she was saying.

"But I don't think you've plateaued Josh, I mean how long were you with Tyler yesterday?"  
"6 hours."  
"6 hours, that's the longest you've been out of Avalon since you got here, that's improvement."  
"I guess,"  
"I don't think you give yourself enough credit Josh, nobody else thinks you've plateaued, people are always telling you how well you're doing and how proud they are of you - do you not believe them?"  
"I, I'm, uh, I'm not good with compliments,"  
"I think that's the case with a lot of people in the House, doesn't make them any less true." She sighed.

"I want you to know that I'm proud of you Josh. I've only known you 6 weeks, you've only lived here a month, I haven't seen the improvement since the trauma but I have seen the improvement since I met you and it's blown me away. You're doing great."  
"Thanks," Josh sniffed, dabbing his cheeks with the back of his hand.

"How's that headache doing?"  
"Bad."  
"Alright darling, well there's those meds on your side board which should help. Take all the psych ones in the cup then take two paracetamol as well. I know there's 4 in the strip but you can take those in 4 hours if your head still hurts, and I'm trusting you to look after that medication by yourself okay? Trust." Hannah said and Josh heard that dreaded overrated word, but didn't say anything and instead began swallowing down his pills and sipping his water.

"Do you want me to stay a while longer or do you want to try get some more sleep?"  
"Sleep, please, but please can you check on me again?"  
"Absolutely darling, every hour or more regularly than that?"  
"Hour's okay thanks,"  
"Course, I hope your head feels better soon."   
"Thanks, me too." Josh hummed, meaning it in every sense of the word. He wanted his head to get better, not just his headache.

 

 

It was on the third check, so the third hour, so 12 o'clock, when Josh felt well enough to get out of bed and ask for Hannah's phone. She gave it to him as he lead the way into the kitchenette and opened his fridge. All his important contact numbers were written on post-it notes, all 3 siblings, his mom, Tyler, Jenna and his old ward manager Tony. He'd stuck them on the cold wall of the inside of his fridge because if the two surviving hostage takers ever came to finish the job, at least they wouldn't be able to track down anyone important to him because the numbers/names weren't easy to find.

He picked Jordan's number off and began typing it into his keyworker's phone.  
"Josh why are they in the fridge?"  
"Because they're cool." He replied unapologetically as the number began to ring and he held the device to his ear.

"Hello this is Jordan, who am I speaking to?"  
"Hey Jord, s'Josh on Hannah's phone."  
"Oh hey man, I don't have her number saved, sorry. Everything alright?"  
"Yeah I'm okay, I was sick this morning but I'm feeling better now. Just wanted to check how Asiya is today."  
"Sick? Did you have a hallucination?"  
"No no, like headache and nausea and stuff, but it's calmed down now."  
"Okay, well I'm glad you're feeling better. Asiya's doing great thanks, she's probably gonna get discharged this afternoon. She's got a broken leg and wrist but she's having fun getting us to sign her casts and things, doesn't seem to be in any pain."  
"Oh that's good."

"Actually J, Saf's gonna go back to her parents house to settle her in and make sure she's okay and entertained for a few days, and her parents said I can stay too. I think I'm gonna if that's alright?"   
"Right,"  
"J if that's not alright then of course I'll come see you today."  
"No, go um, go stay at your girlfriend's family's house, sounds fun,"  
"J,"  
"I want you to go okay Jordan."  
"I don't believe you."  
"Well I'm telling the truth! I don't want you here! Go have fun with them! I never want to see you again!" Josh snapped before realising what he was even saying because he was a fucking idiot, a jealous fucking idiot.

"Saf makes me happy J." Jordan sighed a minute later. "It's a big deal, getting invited to stay by her parents. I wanna make a good impression, I love their daughter and I want them to approve of me, you understand that right?"  
"Yeh,"  
"And as much as I love Saf, I need you to know that I will always put you first. You're important to me too okay?   
"Okay."

"I know you're bad at asking for help and admitting you need me, but if you need me then I'll be there with you."  
"I'll be okay,"  
"Is that another display of you not being able to say you need help?" The younger asked down the phone.  
"Honest, I'll be okay. I'm sorry for snapping."  
"Forgiven and forgotten. Their house is still this side of Columbus, I can be at Avalon within 35 minutes of you calling day or night."  
"How, h-how long are you gonna be gone?"  
"I'm at college on Monday, so two nights max."  
"Okay,"

"I can still come for breakfast with you tomorrow like normal, it's just about whether I stay all day."  
"No no, don't be daft, make a good impression on her parents."  
"Your wellbeing is my priority."  
"Well your priorities are fucked then Jord,"  
"Josh I-"  
"Look I get it, I got my future snatched, but that doesn't mean that you need to sacrifice your own future too. That's only gonna make me feel guilty."  
"I'm not sacrificing my future Josh, I'm eating breakfast with you."   
"Do you love Safiya?"  
"Yes."  
"Do you think she's the one?"  
"I don't know."  
"Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with her?"  
"Yeah, yeah I can,"  
"She's the one Jordan, so do yourself a favour and get friendly with her parents, stay the weekend. I want you to do well with this family, please. If you didn't want to go then you wouldn't have even told me it was an option."

"Josh, I wanna do this but I also wanna look after you."  
"I'll be fine, I'll just, I'll just invite Abi and Ashley for breakfast tomorrow."  
"They run the youth church service on Sunday morning," Jordan sighed and Josh's heart sunk lower.  
"S'fine, s'all fine, I'll eat alone, see you Monday?"  
"Monday." He agreed. "I'll call this number later and check in on you?"  
"Don't have to. Have fun with Saf."  
"Talk to you later, and I will. I love you J,"  
"You too." Josh said then hung up and immediately thrust the device back in Hannah's hand and sat on the floor, hugging his knees and biting his lip. Without even realising, he began to cry.

"Oh Josh, what happened?" Hannah asked, sitting next to him on the ground.  
"He, he, he's with his girlfrie-end, he's not c-coming today o-or tomorrow."  
"That's okay Josh, you can manage without him, I know you can. I'll help you, everyone here will." She attempted to reassure him but he worked himself up further and further, shaking breaths getting more and more ragged and faster and faster tears streaming.

"Deep breaths sweetheart, it's gonna be okay I promise."  
"You don't, you don't understand!"  
"Help me to?" The nurse asked.  
"He's busy with his life, he, he's got her and he's got this whole o-other family. Asssh and A-ab have careers at the chu-urch and lives of thhheir own and all I've got is them!" Josh wept. "S'just like I said earlier! They, they've got plans and I'm g-gonna get left behind!"  
"Josh you're not gonna get left behind, they love you and they'll always include you."  
"I, I, I'm tired of ssslowing down their lives! I'm a, a, burden."  
"You're not a burden darling, you're family. A family's objective isn't to be moving forwards at the fastest pace possible, it's about taking care of each other when we need it most. And right now you need that extra bit of support but I bet a few years ago it was your youngest sibling and in the future it will be someone else, yeah? In the end it will all even out, so there's no need to feel guilty."

"They, they've got lives, a-and I just piggyback them," Josh sniffed.  
"You've got your own life Josh. A big part of your life is your love for your family and I think that's lovely sweetheart, and it's not a bad trait to have. But you're more than that, you've got stories and achievements under your belt that they'll never have. You've got your own apartment, your own routine, your own likes and dislikes and things you find easy and fun. You've got friends here, you've got Jenna and Tyler too, you've got your own life." She said and he listened, now knowing what to say.

"Josh, it's okay to not be totally independent, it's okay to rely on other people, it's normal in fact. Connections and relationships and dependencies make up this giant web that relate every single person on the plant to one another. I need people, I need the barista at Starbucks to make me coffee every morning, I need my boyfriend to remind me when my mom's birthday is, I need all of you guys here at Avalon to give me a sense of purpose. I need people, but that doesn't mean I'm piggybacking on their lives. Same goes for you."  
"Mmm," he hummed as his breaths slowed a little.

"Can Jordan come for breakfast tomorrow?"  
"No."  
"How would you feel about inviting Tyler?"  
"Ty?"  
"Yeah, he's your friend isn't he?"  
"Best." Josh nodded tearfully.   
"He's your best friend, not your brother's, you've not piggybacked him, you've formed this friendship yourself. He's a part of your life, your own unique life Josh."  
"Mmm,"  
"Or we can have breakfast together if you'd like? It's up to you Josh."  
"Can, um, c-can I borrow your phone again please?"  
"To call Tyler?"  
"Yeah." Josh nodded.  
"Of course, well done darling."


	9. For Old Times' Sake

Even though Tyler wasn't late, Josh arrived first to the communal dining room and that made him anxious. Sitting at the table alone, trying to stop his mind imagining all the horrible car crashes or hostage situations Tyler could have been killed in on his way there, trying to remember to breathe.

He was more logically scared too about how he would handle if someone sat in the seat opposite him that he had mentally reserved for Ty, he wasn't good as confrontation. But that didn't seem to be a problem as all the other house members sat with their friends on the other end of the benches. He didn't have friends there, not after he pushed away his only one. Emma wouldn't look at him but he didn't care, she was one of them now, the ones who knew. He lied. He did care.

They'd all been there for months, years, went back a long way and had memories and stories that he could never be a part of. He could never be a part of their friendship group. It was the same at every hospital he'd ever been to; no matter how long he was there, it was never long enough to be good enough for the other residents and he was always left out. He was 28 years old and he should not be this hurt about being left out by the other kids, but then again he was 28 years old and should not need a nurse to put him to bed each night and make sure he doesn't stab himself in the back of his throat with a toothbrush.

"Here ya go," he heard Darren, one of the other nurses, say and looked up to see Tyler standing opposite him with a smile.  
"Thanks. Hey man,"  
"Hey," Josh forced a smile, not stopping rapidly fiddling with his tangle between his fingers as Ty settled down in the seat across from him and Darren walked off.

"Wow, the dress code here is pretty much PJs all the way right?"  
"Just for breakfast, you, uh, you gotta wear pants for dinner."  
"Harsh." Tyler laughed but Josh still felt unsettled. "How are you so far today?"  
"Bit jumpy, um, nervous I guess, but I'm okay. You?"  
"S'alright to be nervous J, you're trying a new thing." He replied without even blinking twice over the fact that Josh was nervous about breakfast when they had eaten breakfast together every single day for 5 years prior to the incident.

"And yeah I'm good thanks. Came straight here from work so I could do with a shower, sorry, my bad, but yeah I'm great thanks."  
"Use mine if you want."  
"I'll be alright, had one last night and my shift wasn't particularly sweat inducing, it's just nice to freshen up a bit at the end I guess."  
"Yeah."  
"But that's enough talk of sweat at the breakfast table, should we get something to eat?"  
"Ok, the uh, the table's up there. Just grab a plate from the end and help yourself." Josh pointed. "I'll go after you come back."  
"One of your things?"  
"One of my things." He nodded, so Tyler stood up to load a plate and left Josh alone to think and play with his tangle.

It was one of his 'things', not a compulsion like what Tyler usually labelled as his 'things' but it was a behaviour that he had developed since the incident so he supposed it fit the category. But being the last person at the table to get food was less of a mental health thing and more a confidence thing. At the psychiatric intensive care unit he'd been on where everyone was sicker and more volatile, he'd taken a sandwich for his lunch that another patient had wanted and it had ended with him getting beaten up. Getting beaten up meant he ended up in stitches but more than that it had triggered a flashback which had triggered a major relapse which had resulted in yet more stitches. So even though he was fairly certain Tyler wouldn't hit him, he wasn't confident enough to go and get breakfast just yet in case he accidentally took something that Tyler wanted and it ended badly.

"Wow, now I get why Jordan comes here for breakfast all the time, it all looks so good." Tyler grinned as he came back with an almost overspilling heap of food. "That and the company of course."  
"Jana and Luke cooked today, they're um, they're the best at it."  
"How long till you're on the rota?" He asked as he began cutting up a forkful of sausage egg and beans.  
"Another week still."  
"Gaw these guys won't know what's hit them after they've tried your brownie pancakes."  
"I don't make them anymore." Josh said, telling himself not to get upset whilst continuing to ignore his own instructions.  
"Course you don't, sorry,"  
"S'fine." He lied.

"Hungry? Wanna grab yourself some food?" Tyler tried to move on, knowing he'd messed up by mentioning Debby's favourite dish.  
"I'm, uh, I've not really got an appetite."  
"Well as a nurse as well as a friend, it's important to take your meds and to have them with a little bit of food to line your stomach. I saw you've got a labelled pot for you, I-"  
"S'okay, you don't need to convince me. I haven't had an appetite since I got hospitalised, I'm used to forcing myself to eat, I'll get something." Josh sighed, standing up and leaving the concerned line of vision coming from his best friend. Instead he walked over to the table and began his routine of 54 Reese's puffs, exactly the right amount of milk, an apple, an empty glass and a pot of pills that were supposedly helpful. The process took longer today because his hands shook and his head screamed.

"How did I know you'd go for the Reese's?" Tyler shook his head with a smile as Josh sat down again.  
"Predictable." He shrugged quietly. "Can, c-can you ask that guy for the water jug please?"  
"Course. Excuse me man, don't suppose you could slide me that water could ya?" The younger asked as though it wasn't making his heart pound and his head spin, and Josh didn't understand how he could be that calm when he'd never even met the person before. Maybe they were a criminal, maybe they were part of the organisation that had attacked Josh in the first place and they were there to finish the job and kill him an-

"Josh."  
"Hmm?"  
"I said do you want me to fill your glass?"  
"Oh, um, thanks but I'll do it." Josh shook his head and took the jug for himself, pouring the water to level of the indent on the cup which ensured his family would be safe.

"You're not feeling so hot today, are you?"  
"What? No, no I'm fine."  
"Don't lie to me J. Wanna hit pause on breakfast and go talk somewhere?"  
"No." He gulped, then quickly began dry swallowing each of his pills one by one like he always did when he was struggling. It felt horrible but at least he felt something.

"J, J don't do that, stop it J, they're gonna get caught in your oesophagus, come on, don't." Tyler sighed, eventually snatching the cup away from him when he didn't stop. "Do you want the nurse's or the friend's reason why you need to stop that?"  
"Give me my pills Tyler."  
"Here, drink some water," he pushed Josh's glass closer to him but he didn't want water, he wanted for everyone to stop looking at him, looking through him, looking through his thoughts and stealing what he was supposed to be thinking.

"Josh if you have them without water then they might get stuck in your oesophagus and start to dissolve which means all these chemicals that are supposed to go to your stomach actually burn a hole in your throat. I work in a hospital, trust me when I say you don't want that."  
"I get it okay! You work, you save kids, you're a valued member of society and I'm just a pathetic nothing! I contribute nothing! I'm worth nothing! I get it!" Josh snapped before suddenly crumbling into a tearful crying hunch because this was too much anxiety and he couldn't breathe.

"Can I touch you?" He heard Tyler ask and managed to nod to give permission for his friend to move to sit beside him and slowly rub his back. "Take as long as you need, it's okay J, it's okay."  
"S'not!"  
"Alright shhh, it's okay to struggle yeah? You're nervous, it's understandable, take as long as you need to calm down again."  
"Josh darling, it's Hannah, you wanna pop to the other room with me for a second?" He heard a woman's voice say and immediately ripped his head from the breakfast table and followed her out of the dining hall and away from Tyler. She opened the door to the quiet sensory room across the hall without having to ask whether he wanted her to.

"Settle down," she smiled but he didn't need to be told, already collapsing to the padded ground and sobbing into his knees, eyes closed too tightly to appreciate the usually soothing bubbles of the lava lamps. He couldn't do this, he couldn't do this.

"Do you want to talk about what happened or is this purely anxiety?"  
"Anxie-anxiety," he gasped between hyperventilating breaths.  
"And what do you do when your anxiety is peaking darling?"  
"Breathing e-exercises."  
"So let's stick to that plan and breathe Josh. Want me to count for you?"  
"N-no,"  
"Okay well you try and do it yourself for 2 minutes and if it's not helping then I'll takeover counting. And remember, a second is always longer than you think."

Josh tried his best to listen to her advice, to slow down the racing breaths that whipped his throat as they rushed to fill his burning lungs. It really was as straightforward as breathing slower to feel better, and yet that simple task was so unimaginably difficult when he got in his head.

"Do you wanna try laying down Josh? It's easier if you're not bunched up like that." Hannah suggested and Josh took a moment to think about it before deciding she was right, unlocking his protective grip and slowly slowly laying on his back with his hands behind his head.

"That's it darling, well done, deep breaths."

 

 

20 minutes later, once Hannah was totally convinced he was calm, Josh decided to show Tyler to his apartment. With all the panic well and truly out of his system, all it took was the fiddle of a tangle in one hand to keep him grounded enough to hold a proper conversation.

"This one's mine," he explained when they stopped outside his apartment door and he opened it with the key in his free hand.  
"How many are there in the block?"  
"20, but only 16 are used at the moment."  
"You did well to bag yourself one only up a single flight of stairs then."  
"Previous owner moved out a couple of weeks before I got discharged, lucky I guess." Josh said as he entered, almost laughing at the idea of him being described as lucky.

"So this is it, mi casa es su casa and all of that, not much but yeh, least it's not hospital,"  
"Can I take a look around?" Tyler asked, already letting his eyes wander the walls that Josh was yet to decorate.  
"Um, sure, okay, I'll show you." He nodded then walked down the hall and over to the far room. It contained a small double bed and a dresser with a lamp but other than that it was pretty empty.

"Guest bedroom."  
"Oh that's cool, you can have people round when you're up to it."  
"Yeah, when I moved in Jordan stayed for 3 nights but other than that it's not been used. Maybe one day you could stay? Like, I dunno, I mean, yeh, only if you want to, you don't have to, sorry,"  
"Josh, chill, I'd absolutely love to stay some time, when that time is is up to you."  
"Thank you," he calmed down, smiling to himself and taking a breath before leading the way to the next room.

"It's, uh, well it's the bathroom, nothing special,"  
"Woah dude, you got a razor? Good for you man." Tyler seemed generally proud of him as he picked it up off the shelf above the sink. It was only a crappy razor from the store on the corner but it was so much more than that, it was a symbol of trust and improvement.

"Thanks. It's, uh, it's kinda funny actually, Hannah supervises me whilst I brush my teeth but she doesn't when I'm shaving."  
"One success at a time, no rush, you'll get there." He smiled warmly. "What's next?"  
"Urm, my room's just over here." Josh showed him, cutting across the hall to the room he called home more than any other.

Again, just like the spare room, it wasn't much with regards to decoration but Josh liked it that way. The double bed lay centre stage, a simple grey bed set matching the grey lampshades that sat symmetrically on the tables either side of the head board. He didn't need two tables but he couldn't let her go, even if 'her' was another assembly of black chipboard.

Photos. He didn't do photos, wasn't really his thing, but when he was in hospital his mom had been told that being surrounded by the faces of loved ones could remind him he was loved and inspire his recovery. Walls were plastered with family portraits, his siblings and parents and cousins and second cousins and second cousins' best friend's dog sitter's French exchange partner's sister, but not a damn photo of his fiancé or their unborn child.

So Josh had photos. Just not necessarily of who he wanted.

"So this is where the magic happens hey?" Tyler grinned as he walked around.  
"If by magic you mean crying, then yes." Josh sighed with a smile, comfortable enough to joke with his best friend.  
"Haha yep, that's exactly what I meant. But I like it man, this whole charcoally-minimalisty vibe, s'cool."  
"Just grey and bleak, all the joy sucked out of it, that's ma vibe alright." He laughed at himself.  
"Dude don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but I had no idea so many patterns even existed until we moved house and she decorated. Our bedroom is like a freaking Cath Kidston catalogue or something."  
"What you mean you don't like little rosebud pillows Ty? Not digging the flower themed everything?"  
"Ah J, you know me so well." Tyler laughed whilst shaking his head disapprovingly.

After Tyler seemed to be done with his inspection of the room, Josh showed the way back to the living area. He chose to not open the door to the storage cupboard on the way, after all it was only a storage cupboard, that and he didn't want another lecture on why that many bottles of bleach was inappropriate.

"And yep, that's it, my Netflix viewing area and my supply of microwave popcorn." Josh pointed to his living room and the kitchenette lining one wall.  
"Sweet. You cook much?" He asked as he wandered over to the tiled floor that Josh was yet to clean today. He made a memo to himself to do it the moment Ty went home.  
"Nope, microwaving is the extent of it. Avalon feeds me breakfast and dinner so that only leaves me with lunch to do myself and usually Jordan sorts me out."  
"Jord does?"  
"Yeh you know a momma bird, when they puke up the baby bird's food straight into their mouth?" Josh tried to say with a straight face but Tyler's laughter only triggered his own. "That's, that's basically the dynamic."  
"Ew dude! That's gross, the mental picture I've got right now? Nasty."

"Haha nah, he takes good care of me, brings me a little packed lunch when he comes for breakfast usually, sets me up with something for my fridge on those days when he's got college first thing."  
"Bless, he's a good kid." Tyler smiled as he sat down on the couch, Josh not far behind.  
"Damn right he is."

"How's he doing?"  
"I dunno man, people don't really tend to tell me their problems, but from what I can gather he's doing well." Josh said truthfully, choosing to ignore the suspicious way Tyler didn't make eye contact. It's just his paranoia after all. "He told me that school's easy at the moment, he's keeping up, and he's got a thriving social life and everything. Things seems to be pretty serious between him and Saf so yeah, I'm happy for him."  
"Good. How's Saf's sister? I had a quick check and didn't see her when I was on shift last night."  
"Yeah she got discharged, that's why Jordan's not here, he's staying at the house and watching Moana and Frozen on repeat. Oh and he's also watching movies with her."  
"Hahaha aww, but good plan though, get cozy with her family."  
"That's a big bro pro tip." Josh smiled guiltily.

"How about you man? How you holding up?"  
"I'm alright." The older nodded whilst looking down at his tangle, before realising that there was no point in lying. "Actually that's not true Ty, I'm uh, I'm not all right, I'm not even a little bit right."  
"Go on,"  
"Earlier I panicked but I mean that's nothing, that happens two or three times a day everyday, I'm anxious and panicky all the time."  
"Yeah,"  
"I just can't calm down. And I dunno whether it's because I'm in a new place and everyone's always telling me that it takes time to settle, or whether this is just me now."  
"Well I don't think that 'this is you' or anything, but just for the record the only reason I would want for you to get better is so that you're happy, I love you how you are J, including panicky." Tyler said.  
"Love you too," Josh sighed into his hand that wasn't fiddling relentlessly.

"I think people are right though Josh, it does take time to settle. And it's not like moving hospital to hospital, this is you out and free to roam now mate. You're discharged and that's a truly amazing step but it's a biiig step that needs time and patience. Give yourself longer before you accept your situation as permanent."  
"Mmm,"  
"How about therapy and things like that? You getting any?"  
"Uh yeah, yeah I see Dr Jarvis for an hour three times a week."  
"Do you think maybe it's worth booking in more appointments? You used to go daily on the complex care ward."  
"I used to go daily with Dr Luttman, not Jarvis."  
"Jarvis not as good?" Tyler asked.  
"He's not bad necessarily, he's just, I dunno, he's alright but Luttman was a trauma specialist and he got me and helped me a lot, and Jarvis is just really adamant I try PTSD exposure tasks and it's kinda pissing me off? Like I don't want to, I just don't."  
"Have you told him that?"  
"Yeah, he said that it's the last hurdle between me and the person I want to be so it's inevitable I face up to my triggers."  
"Well he can't force you to, if you don't feel like it's the right thing for you then you can always request a switch."  
"I guess," Josh sighed.

"But you think I should do the exposures?"  
"It's not really my place to tell you what you should be doing." Tyler answered conservatively.  
"No it's not but you are my best friend and I value your input."  
"Well I just think that you protested when they wanted you to do OCD exposures and you were sectioned so they forced you and you kicked up a storm, yet here we are and, as far as I'm aware, you haven't completed any compulsions whilst we've been in your apartment. I mean I learnt your thought processes, I've seen things that would have set you off, but they haven't. The exposures were hard but they worked, maybe the PTSD ones would be the same."  
"S'not the same." Josh shook his head adamantly.  
"I know J,"

"OCD, it's about what COULD happen, what could be the outcome of me doing or not doing something, who could get hurt because I don't walk properly, what could go wrong if I did anything wrong. PTSD, it's already happened, it's already real."  
"But Josh, you're right, its already happened, it's not gonna happen again,"  
"You don't understand Ty, it will happen again,"  
"It won't."  
"It will!" Josh exclaimed. "If you all make me do this and you're gonna force me into flashbacks then that means you're forcing me to go through it again. It will all happen again for me. Over and over and over again. I don't know if you, any of you, understand how fragile I truly am. I'm walking this very fine line of almost collapsing in a heap and saying enough is enough, throwing the towel in. Please, I can't take much more, I definitely can't take more flashbacks. Please, don't to this to me."

Tyler didn't reply to Josh's beg immediately, instead giving him a moment to collect himself again, and for that he was grateful. Sometimes silence was the more powerful tool in anyone's inventory.

"Sorry."  
"S'okay J, and I'm sorry too."  
"I just, um, well, well yesterday I took these painkillers-"  
"How many Josh? Tell me how many." Tyler instantly presumed the worst and panicked.  
"No it's okay, calm down, I only took two at a time and they were for a headache. The dosage was correct."  
"Phew, sorry, go on,"  
"They were painkillers and they did their job and they killed my pain, and I felt better. And yet I take antidepressants every single day and they never anti depress me. Why do the physical meds work but the psychs don't when it's the psychs I'm desperate for."  
"Because pain is simple, it blocks the production of prostaglandin, that's all. Psychiatric medication is emotions Josh, and they're potentially the most complex system in all of the human body. In med school I learnt how to stitch up cuts and restart hearts but there's no step by step guide to emotions in the textbook."  
"Mmm,"  
"But in spite of that, you've worked out a way to make them better. You're amazing Josh, you've genuinely amazed me in how you've managed to transform yourself into the true gentleman you are today, and you should be proud of that."

"I'm, I'm not me though, this, just, it's, this isn't me."  
"Who are you then?" Tyler asked without judgement.  
"I look in the mirror and I honestly don't recognise myself anymore Ty."  
"I think what you're saying is that you're not the same person you were before the trauma, but that's okay. Things have changed, it's normal that you'd change too and maybe you can't go back to that person, but you're not a stranger. You've still got the same character traits, same tastes and opinions, same things I love you for man."  
"When you say things have changed, you mean my family got murdered."  
"Your situation has changed, there are some events that can't be reversed and therefore you can't reverse the changes you yourself have been through."  
"Stop depersonalising them, stop objectifying them, they're my family, they were my family and now they're dead, they're not just 'things', they're my everything."  
"You're right, I'm sorry, Debby and your baby passed away and that is not fair and I would do anything I possibly could to change that but unfortunately there's nothing we can do to bring them back. However the same can't be said for you, we can keep working on you, keep helping you to get better until the day comes when you look in the mirror and you do recognise yourself."

Josh thought about what his friend was saying, processed the words, took a step back to truly evaluate what he was saying and decide to what extent he agreed. In reality he was freaking the fuck out.

"I'm gonna go to bed,"  
"Are you going so you can hurt yourself?"  
"No. I go to bed when I'm sad."  
"Did I make you sad J?"  
"No, my fiancé got shot in the head, that made me pretty sad," he sighed as he stood up and began walking towards his bedroom with one hand running through his hair. "Wake me up in time for lunch."  
"Will do, stay safe Josh." Tyler sighed in response as he was left alone in the front room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I owe you guys an explanation for my absence recently. Unfortunately a close friend of mine passed away on Monday completely out of the blue, previously completely healthy and showing no signs of any issues at all. She simply didn't wake up. I think the only word I can use to explain how I'm feeling is shocked, it's not quite sunk in yet. So please, as much as I enjoy fic writing, be patient with me whilst I work through this. The cancer fic I had planned to write the funeral chapter next but honestly I don't think I can. I need time and I know you will respect that.  
> Thank you.


End file.
